Shit happens ✧ *:✧･ﾟ* Skins gen 2 • James Cook • Effy Stonem • Freddie McClair

Season 2 - 11.

Effy

I was glad to be back in my home. I wasn't glad that everyone was treading on egg shells around me. They're all acting like I'm a raging drug addict, I do no more drugs than the average teenager. Besides, who likes being present anyways? you're more or less forced to think about all of your trauma anyways.

I suffer with manic depression. This was diagnosed when I was 16, before I started college. I hadn't told anyone this, I did all the doctors appointments on my own. I wasn't surprised when the doctor had told me this, I'd done some research and ultimately decided that I had it a month before. I felt dirty when the doctor confirmed it. She was talking about all my options but all I could hear was my heartbeat and my own thoughts.

I walked home in the rain with my arms crossed the whole time. I knew I could not tell anyone this.

I kept it a secret. It was easy really. Because when I'm feeling depressed, I want to be left on my own with my own thoughts. It's not exactly like I want to be by myself; I want everyone to disappear, as if they're not there at all. I feel like I want to walk out my room one day and everyone else in the world is gone. During my depressive episodes I do not want to go anywhere, see absolutely anyone or do anything. No matter what I do in a depressive episode, people tell that what I'm doing is wrong - so I may as well just lock the door in my room and throw away the key, just hide from everyone. I loved hide and seek when I was little. I was stupidly good at it. My mother couldn't find me for hours and I'd sit and watch her walk around the house, worried that I'd left, just before she got upset and phoned the police, I'd pop out and say "Boo!". She stopped playing with me after a few times.

I love my manic episodes; manic episodes can be great. I turn into the life of the party. Everybody wants to be me when I'm jumping around to music and drinking stupid amounts of alcohol.

My sex drives go through the roof in manic episodes, if I had a partner, they'd get sick of me, so I hook up with my booty calls now and then.

I feel like a god during mania, my self-worth sky rockets. I feel like I have nothing left when it fizzles out like a sparkler. All the light and sparkles zooming around vibrantly, then poof, the hot grey nothingness that's burned out and fizzled.
Without mania, I don't think I'd make it through my depression.

The middle ground between the depression and the mania is normal. I wake up, have breakfast, go out with India to cafe's and restaurant's, go to college like normal. I imagine myself living like this permanently, but I know it's not that simple.

But today was new Effy's birth.
I woke up and had a shower, leaving my hair to dry naturally rather than blow drying and straightening it. I decide it to do my makeup and get dressed, pulling on jeans and a jumper. I excitedly leave the house and knock for India.

"Gosh India, you look like death!" I said before I could think. She screwed up her tired-looking face and stepped aside for me to come in.
"Sorry, erm..did you want to come out today, to like...a restaurant or something?" I asked her, following her upstairs to her room.
"Sure." She said unenthusiastically. I ignore the lack of enthusiasm and sit on the bed next to Cook who looked half asleep.
"Alright Cook?" I asked.
He yawned and nodded.
Wow, everyone's mood was biting me in the ass, why is everyone in such a bad mood?
"Cook, do you want to come out with me and India, i'll invite Freddie." I asked Cook.
"I'm not on the best terms with Freddie, but fuck, yeah i'll come." He grinned, smacking India's ass as she walked past in her underwear.

After listening to India and Cook shag, we finally set off to the restaurant, meeting Freddie as we took a seat.

I watched as they all spoke, Freddie holding my hand under the table as I sat uneasy. Everyone laughed at a joke Cook made.

Pressure built up in my stomach, like pterodactyls swarming around inside of me.

"I have manic depression." I burst out.
Everyone looked at me.
"Right." India voiced skeptically.