Where Is The Edge

Chapter 19

When I lost everything again, six days passed in which I was already very comfortable in my flat, slowly rotting away. I didn't bother to look for another job, or to go to Marcia's house to get my other belongings, because just setting foot in that place would destroy me. The money I had saved to maybe buy a state-of-the-art television was beginning to dwindle as I bought the junk food I ordered the few times I felt like eating.

But of course that wouldn't last forever. My best friend would eventually wonder why he hadn't heard from me for so many days.

As he surveyed the mess my home had become, he made no expression that would cause me to cringe at myself, which was to be expected from the most understanding man I had ever met. All he seemed to care about was me.

"When you want to talk to me about what happened, I'll be here," was the first thing he said before he hugged me.

I reciprocated, and contrary to what I thought, I didn't cry at all. I had cried enough, all the sadness was out of me, the only thing that remained was a huge emptiness that caused me to live almost on autopilot, where I only breathed, slept and ate.

When I told him everything that had happened, after I had let him inside, I didn't express a single emotion either. I told it as if I were recounting an ordinary day.

"... I'm sorry I have to burden you again with my ramblings. You always have to pick me up when I fall, again and again," I concluded. I couldn't help but feel guilty, for there have been enough times where I have dragged him down, and on this occasion, I wanted to leave him alone.

"Don't you dare ever say that. You're my friend, and what are friends for? I love you, and I'll stand by you, always," he assured me.

"How did you find out about this?" I asked, knowing that he hadn't called my flat and that there was a chance that Marcia herself had told him.

"I went to Marcia's house to drop off gifts for both of you. She just handed me the one you had prepared for me and told me to leave," he began. From the tone of the last word, I knew there was more. "When she said you were no longer living with her because all this time you lied to her, I told her she was a heartless, coward bitch for abandoning you after the first inconvenience. She didn't like that at all. I got a slap in the face."

"Oh holy shit, Stefan! Really?" I exclaimed, "who the fuck does she think she is?"

"It's okay, it didn't even hurt," he said. "She still loves you, and she knows what I told her is true, otherwise it wouldn't have hurt her enough for her to slap me."

"She's right to be upset with me. For a long time I lied to her and I had plenty of opportunities to tell her the truth."

"You didn't know how and you were afraid, you did it at the time you considered opportune, and she should respect that."

"What do I do now?"

"Get your life together," he replied after a moment, "go take a relaxing shower, and I'll pick everything up here."

"It's not fair, look at all those dirty dishes, all that packing rubbish..."

"Shush! Do as I tell you," he interrupted me. "Let's start here. If you go after her right now, it's a fact that she'll reject you, she'll tear you apart even more. You must learn to live without her first, then you can decide with a cool head if you really want to try again. If the answer is yes, the rejection won't affect you as much."