dingus | haitani rindou

rindou [1] pt. 1

Well yeah, of course, I do have my conceited and arrogant moments at times...and where does all of that come from? Of course, it's from my own insecurities. Have you ever seen someone successful and knows how to self-love went to brag themselves to others?

They sure did fucking not. Why would they anyway? They don't have to tell or prove their worth to people or seek people's validation, because they're already proud of who they are and they are content with what they have.

There's no need for them to flaunt things to people. Because they know people already see it and in the end, they still choose to make themselves be equal as others, even if they are actually way better.

Of course, they can also act like that because people will out of nowhere praise and adore them and then these people will act all humble and shit.

But people like me?

Do you think people will ever acknowledge me properly?

Will people finally see me as Rindou and not Ran's little brother?

Why does everything about me needs to be associated with Ran?

Why can't people see me for me?

Why is everything Ran does is right and suddenly what I do is wrong?

Why do people smile wider when they see Ran but they look disappointed when it turns out to be me?

Why? Just why? How am I supposed to continue living with all of this?

Getting constantly compared to Ran over and over. Aren't people tired doing that to me?

Why is it I am suddenly inferior than Ran? Is it because I am not him? Is that what people trying to tell me?

Was I born into this world to make Ran look better in everything? Because when Ran does something, people say he's amazing and how brave he is, but when it's me, people will assume quickly that I just learned from Ran or I'm not as good as Ran (even though Ran had never done that thing before).

At first, when I try to tell Ran about what I feel about this and being honest with him. He will always turn out saying that I was thinking too much and I shouldn't worry about a thing.

Maybe I was just overthinking.

Saying that I'm cool. Because I'm his little brother. Why will anyone not like Ran's brother, right? Then he went out saying things I'm better at than him and I shouldn't think that I am lesser than his whole existence.

Yeah, no shit, sherlock. I know I have my own strengths and weaknesses and I am not inferior to him in everything. But the problem is I didn't ask how he perceives me, I'm telling how others perceive me in such a bad way and it's a problem that we need to address.

But you know, people will say that you can't control what others think of you. You have no power to control them at all. But you can control what you think of yourself.

And dear God, that advice will never help me for dear life. Because I keep on repeating and thinking again about how people think of me. I think of it so much that I began to think that it's true, to the point I can't even see my real self properly.

Well back to what Ran was saying, so I want to hold on to that belief and not keep that feeling inside me for too long. Those emotions are going to consume me if I ever try to think about it endlessly, so I guess rather than diving deeper into it, I might as well just ignore it, right?