mercy ; peter ballard

13. where is my mind?

"well, powell's taking over as chief. everyone is doubting him, but i'm sure he's going to do fine."

the waiter returned with their drinks and a bottle of wine. he poured wine into the two glasses in front of them before pulling out his notepad.

"there you go," the waiter smiled. "are we ready to order?"

"yes,"  phil said. "beatrice?"

beatrice looked up from her menu. "yes, i'll take the fettuccine cream pesto and a caesar salad, please."

she hands the waiter the menu and waits patiently for callahan to order.

"i think i'll have the spaghetti carbonara."

"alright, they should be out soon. is there anything else i could get for you?"

"no, thank you," phil replies, handing the waiter his menu.

the waiter walks away once again.

"so, beatrice, tell me about you."

beatrice shifted in her seat. "well, i live in a trailer park and i have a dog named tilly."

"that's nice. i would love to meet her-"

"that might not be a good idea. she has a thing about not liking guys in the trailer. it's like a territorial thing," beatrice rubbed the back of her neck.

"...okay. well, um how were your other ex-boyfriends?"

beatrice thought, 'what the hell kind of question is that for a first date?'

"they were fine." 'if fine was trying to kill the rest of humanity and died trying to, sure, he was fucking amazing.'

"nice."

they sat in an uncomfortable silence for a bit before the food came out.

[REDACTED], 1980

beatrice swung her legs off the side of the trailer. she found herself on the roof of the trailer often, watching as the sunset. in her hand, she held a coin. she rolled it across her fingers to keep her hand from shaking.

she sat on the roof and just let her brain run free. she could only think about what could've been if she had stopped eleven. she wanted to, but it wouldn't have been right. how could a person do a good thing but feel like they did the wrong thing?

maybe she was a bad person. how could she even think about it like that? he had her wrapped around his finger. he had too much of an influence on her.

when she started adapting to the outside, she had a hard time sleeping. she would have to take melatonin to even try to be in bed before midnight.

when she would dream, she dreamed she was still with him. she had joined him. she could still see his face. his piercing blue eyes. his soft blonde hair. she could see him but every time she would run to him, he would vanish from her fingertips like a ghost.

he made her forget everything when she was with him. it was like the world disappeared when she was in his arms. it was an addiction that she fought through walking out of the rainbow room.

"beatrice! dinner is ready!" aunt lila called from the ceiling hatch.

beatrice flipped the coin in her hand. when it fell back down it was a button. she dropped the button onto the ground and climbed inside.

"still thinking about him, hm?" lila asks, plating the food.

beatrice sits down at their small dining table. "it's kinda hard not to. today would've been his birthday, you know? thirty-three."

lila brought the plates to the table. "i know it's hard, sweetie, but we can't just stay stuck on the past. we could miss the future if we look ahead."

"yeah, i guess. i want to feel better so badly." her hand rubs her face. "i just don't know what to do."

lila sits across from bea. "you just breathe a deep breath and take it a day. then that day will turn into a week. then a month. before you know it, it will be a year. you just got to keep going, hon."

beatrice nods her head, taking in a deep breath.

"you know, i think you should get out there soon. like finding someone new. it might help," lila suggested, shoving a spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth. "i just want you to be happy."

beatrice smiled. "i know you do."

july 23, 1985

the food was out and they were halfway through their meal. the date was okay. it wasn't the best, but beatrice thought it felt kinda nice to be out. however, she was starting to get a headache.

"and that's when i almost shot powell on accident!" phil said, proudly smiling.

"wow, that's-" she looked up at him and he had a sudden scowl on his face.

"i can't believe you would move on that fast. you must have never cared for him," phil spat.

she looked around and the room was empty. "excuse me?"

"you probably just used him to pass the time in the fucking laboratory."

beatrice's eyes widened at his words. she didn't know what came over him. she wanted to scream back at him that he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, but she knew better.

she politely excused herself, voice trembling. "i had a nice night, but i'm gonna go. i'm not feeling well. thanks anyway."

she ran out the restaurant and into her car. she started to drive as fast as she could, stopping in an empty parking lot. she started to hyperventilate, her arms holding her head as her eyes began to tear up.

"breathe," she struggled to say to herself. "get a fucking hold of yourself, please."

her chest hurt from her pounding heart. she was shaking like she was stuck in a frigid winter. she felt like she was going to pass out.

she laid her head on the steering wheel, trying to catch her breath.

"i'm fucking going home," she said, wiping her eyes.

beatrice opens the freezer, grabbing the tub of chocolate ice cream. she begrudgingly grabbed a spoon from the silverware drawer and walked into the living room area. tilly followed her around the trailer.

"i know what i said, tilly. i'm not in the mood for judgment," she spoke, plopping down on her couch. the tv in front of her played golden girls. she opened the tub of ice cream and dug her spoon into the untouched chocolate ice cream.

"i just think it was too early," she shoved a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. "i just need more time."

it's all anyone ever needed. she wanted more time to process. she wanted more time with peter. more time that was impossible to get.

to her, tonight was a clear sign that it wasn't time. there were other forces at work against it idea.

"i guess, i don't need anyone for now, except for you, til." tilly curled up next to bea as she stared blankly at the tv.