Pain & Gain

Chapter 7 (part 2)

"Baby I have to tell you something." I mumble against his neck.

He doesn't respond, he just hugs me. I feel his chest release choppy breaths against my body. His hold around me tightens, and I feel some water drop on my shoulder. He's crying. I squeeze him back, reassuring him that everything will be okay. I feel sick, I have to tell him.

"I don't have any family left." He says quietly against my shoulder.

My heart breaks. I hate seeing him like this. He doesn't deserve to feel this way. I feel a sharp aching pain in my chest. The only known blood relation he has is Jon and he's on the run from the police. I hug Marshall tighter and I feel his chest moving in short fast movements. He tightens his hold on me and then I begin to feel even more tears. My wrecked up heart manages to break even more, and I can only imagine how he's feeling.
Quickly I pull him towards the back corner of the gym, getting him away from all the other guys there. They don't know what's happened and I won't say anything unless Marshall wants me to. As of right now I assume this is the last thing Marshall wants to talk about. Even with me.
Once we're backed into the far corners Marshall opens the door to the locker room and tugs me in after him. The room is completely empty and he flips the lock, making sure no one will get in. Once we're completely alone, that's when the real tears come. He sinks to the floor and buries his head in his knees. The stinging pain in my heart intensifies. What do I do? What would he do?
I slowly walk over to where he is and sit down beside him on the ground. I raise my arm up and touch his forearm. He lifts his head and looks at me. Those eyes like burning sapphires surrounded by puffy redness and water manage to look like Crown Jewels amongst the sadness on his face. I open my mouth to speak and then realize I don't know what to say. When I close my mouth, I watch two more tears escape his eyes. All traces of the young, carefree Marshall he was when he walked in are gone. Now what's left is a scared and confused Marshall, like he's seeing his mom do drugs for the first time again.
His face that is stricken with fear feels hot against my touch. Marshall turns against my hand and lowers his head into my lap. He hugs my legs and I run my fingers through his hair, lightly caressing his neck as I do so. I lean down and kiss his temple softly. Now, his crying has turned into breathing and his breathing is beginning to steady. He's calming down.

"It's okay." I say in a quiet voice, twisting the end pieces of his hair between my fingers.

"I feel so alone." His eyes are closed and he hugs my legs tight.

"You don't have to." I trace the lines of his jaw and neck with my index finger. "I'm never gonna leave you."

There's silence where there should be words. I sneak a peek down at Marshall's face and notice that he's crying to himself again. My heart contracts. Seeing him hurt, causes me physical pain.

"Why are you crying?" I start to rub his back and shoulders.

"Because I'm not good enough." He murmurs. "For you or anyone."

My broken heart plummets from the heavens, smacking down hard on Earth's surface. His words pain me. I thought he stopped feeling like this a long time ago. I had hoped all these feelings were gone. That it was going to get better for him. But Josh's passing has kicked him to the bottom of the ladder. And he has to start at step one.

"Please don't say that." I whisper to him. I stop rubbing his back and lace our hands together, holding tightly. "I love you."

"I don't know why." His eyes are still closed and he shakes his head. "I mean, look at me."

He opens his eyes and I see his tear stained cheeks and matted hair. Those eyes I love so much and the scar above his brow. His oh so slightly crooked smile and prominent chin. And the jawline that leads straight to the space behind his ear that has been subject to many of my kisses.

"I am." I say, looking right in his eyes. "I love you."

"I love you Rachel." His voice cracks and he squeezes my hand hard. "I'm just not good for you."

"Don't." I say in an authoritative tone. "Don't say that again. Please."

Marshall sits up now, still holding my hand and resting his head on my shoulder.

"It's true." He fights back, sighing and breathing heavy.

"Look at me." I demand.

Marshall turns his eyes to look at me and it takes me a moment to adjust to the harsh intensity of his gaze. I stare back at him as he waits for me to say something. Instead I press my lips on his, pulling him in by the shoulder before twisting my arms around him. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his lap.

"You're everything to me." I confess against his lips.

My fingers twist in his hair, kissing him harder. I'm hoping this says all the things I can't. I pull back and look at him. His brow is slightly furrowed wondering why we stopped. He looks alright now. Or at least like he knows everything's going to turn out alright. I love him. I always will.

"I'm sorry." He says quietly.

"Don't be."

I say that not knowing what he's sorry for. I'm afraid to ask. There's another silence cast over us. I hate these silences. What is he thinking about? I hope he's not tearing himself down from the inside. He has a tendency to do that. It comes from his fear of ending up like his father. Everything he does wrong he dissects and beats himself up for it.
I believe that he's slowly learning that they're nothing alike. Sure Marshall gets angry and jealous and upset but those are basic human emotions. Jon becomes violent and dangerous. Why can't he realize just because they are blood related does not mean they're the same person.
As for him not having any family left, I can only feel sympathy for him. And hope that one day we'll have kids of our own to continue his family line.