Pretending (Westshore Series #1)

Chapter Forty-One: You Did This To Me

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"I didn't want a daughter like you, but I learned to live with it. The least you could do is listen to me." The way she was looking at me made me feel like I was nothing.

Her words cut deep. Of course, she didn't want a disgusting pig for a daughter.

"It won't happen again."

"Now you need to get rid of all that cake you ate last night. The treadmill is on downstairs." She grabs her car keys and walks out the door before I can respond.

As soon as she is gone my shame turns to anger. Anger at my mom for being so horrible to me, anger at myself for letting her say whatever she wants to me. Anger at myself for eating that cake.

I look at the cookies at the table.

I had already messed up last night, I might as well carry on. I allow myself to take a small bite, and the delicious flavour immediately washes over me. I had really missed eating these. The next thing I knew, I had eaten the whole thing and had started reaching for another one. And then another, and another, until the plate was empty. I hadn't even realized how fast I was eating, it all just seemed to happen without me even being present. I couldn't stop.

I needed more.

I knew where my mom's secret stash was, I open the bottom cupboard and look at all the chips, candy and chocolate I never allowed myself. I figured if I had already messed up today, I may as well make it worthwhile.

My mind is racing with all the things I want to eat. This was a one-time thing, so I had to make it worth it. In my panic, I decided to eat everything.

I rush to my room and change into old Jiggly Juliet clothes to hide how fat I was about to get. Usually, the idea of eating anything that could possibly make me fat was enough to get me to stay away from it. But right now it doesn't bother me as much. There is a voice in my head saying I had already gone off track so I might as well have a cheat day. If I eat this stuff now, I won't want it tomorrow.

I begin with some Cheetos but quickly feel dissatisfied and move on to the chocolate cake my mom bought. I was only going to have one slice of it but after the slice, I have another. Then I just start eating the cake with a fork, not even bothering to slice it. Before I knew it I had eaten the whole cake.

That wasn't enough, so I finish off the Cheetos. Before I know it I have eaten so much I feel ill but I hadn't eaten everything yet. I had to eat it all because I wasn't going to do this again. I needed it all gone.

So, I eat all of it. I keep telling myself I will stop but I don't. I needed it all gone so it would just be one bad day. My insides are rolling. I can't even sit up, I curl up into a ball on my floor clutching my stomach.

Why did I do that?

I didn't feel any better I feel worse. I just ruined everything I worked so hard for. I needed to get the food out of me. I could barely get up so I basically crawl to the bathroom in pain. I don't have to work very hard to get the contents of my stomach out. My stomach is so bloated I am sure it is thanking me for releasing some of the pressure. I keep going until there is nothing else to throw up.

I shakily get up and rinse my mouth with water, then splash some on my face but I still feel sick. I stare into my red-rimmed eyes and scold myself, I lost control today. I sit back on the ground because I am still lightheaded.

I wouldn't let it happen again.

I will fix this; I have to fix this.

I hear the front door open, and fear washes over me. I am still on the bathroom floor. I hear shuffling downstairs and then footsteps towards where I am sprawled out.