Hold me tight

26.

I was putting on some mascara in front of the mirror at the bathroom. Joonas was next to me and he was putting black nailpolish to himself.
I told him to do it on top of the table, but he really wanted to be with me. He would go to the studio soon and I would visit couple of stores at the meantime.
"Shit..." I mumbled as I accidentally and suddenly dropped the mascara into the sink, luckily it was dry.
I took it and shaked my right hand a bit.
"You okay?" Joonas immediately asked and lifted his eyes up to me, I just smiled to him.
"I am, why?" I frowned amused and put the mascara away.

"Well your hands are shaking." He pointed my hands with his gaze. I took a quick look on them and he was right, I decided to ignore that.
"It happens often." I looked the clock of my phone, and it was getting late. Well, late for Joonas.
I showed him the time and his eyes widened open, he put the nailpolish away and ran to the hallway to put his shoes on.
He almost fell because of the hurry he made to himself, I chuckled.
"Sweetie you're gonna hurt yourself." I smiled as I leaned against the wall next to me. He looked at me right away when I said that, and he looked suprised.
I was confused.
"Did you say sweetie?" He smirked as he fixed his hair, my mouth was slowly getting open, I realized that too now.
"I-" I tried to explain myself, but he walked closer to me and wrapped his hands around me. He smiled.
"Sweetie.. I like that."
I smiled to him shyly while I blushed.
"Okay.. sweetie." I said teasing, playing with the hem of his shirt.
We were silent then, I stared his chest while he probably looked me up and down, we were so close.

He was stroking my sides slowly. Both of us totally just fell into this moment, there was no idea of time.
It felt like time was freezed, the world stopped because of us. It was me and him and our small little world.
I looked up to his eyes, they were almost shining blue. He then slowly pressed his lips against mine, and it was loving and gentle kiss. After that we kept our foreheads together, leaning against each other.
"I really like you Saga." He quietly told me. My heart was jumping around.
And now I was thinking about that letter, should I give it to him now or.. when? When is the right time?
Is there right time? What if I would just tell him everything now. Everything what I wrote to that letter.
"Joonas.. I want you to be happy..." I whispered, closing my eyes and trying to keep my tears back.

"But I am. And I would get the moon for you if I could.. just remember that..." He whispered back and we pulled a bit apart, just to look at each others eyes.
"You don't know about the storm that is going on in my head.. I'm afraid of falling.. and that everything will get worse again..." I told him. Couple of tears were dancing on my cold skin, but Joonas wiped them away.
"I'll catch you." His voice was weak too, so he whispered.
He kissed me once more, and this time it was longer.
After that he had to go or he would be late.
We looked each other once more before he left the apartment, we both smiled.

I had to go visit couple of stores, but Eevi called me so we talked a while. We laughed to something stupid and discussed about couple of things about the weddings.
"Take care." I said to Eevi as we were finishing the call.
"You too. Say greetings to Joonas." Her voice was suggesting, I knew she was smiling. I just chuckled and then we ended the call.

I suddenly dropped my phone to the floor, my hands were shaking again. I shook my head disappointed and kneeled to the ground to get the phone.
But when I stood up, my head was hurting a lot so I had to close my eyes. I took support from a chair and let out a small groan.
"Saga!" I heard my mother's voice shouting. I opened my eyes and looked around confused and scared. It sounded so real.
I was out of breath then when I started to stumble around, feeling lost.
It was scary, I felt like I wasn't there, I wasn't real.
But I was.
"Mom..?" I answered scared, my voice shaking.

"I'm here!" She shouted back, I was hopeful. Is she alive?
I runned to my balcony, looking down while leaning against the railing. My mother was there, standing on the other side of the street. I started to smile, she was waving her hand to me and smiling as well.
Then my stepts started to lead me outside of my apartment, I didn't put shoes on or anything.
I almost tripped while I runned the stairs down, my smile not fading away from my face.
And when I was outside, mother was still there.
She looked so happy and already spread her hands as a sign to come and hug her.
"Mom..." I said underneath my breath while I started walking across the road.
I felt like time was slowing down, I couldn't move any faster.
Mother suddenly looked worried and sad, I frowned to her reaction.
I heard some yelling from somewhere, something like, "Get out from the road!"
But I was so confused. I got scared.
I knew something was wrong. This isn't real.
She's not real.

But something else is real.
This moment, that I'm now standing in the middle of a road. No shoes, I probably look like a crazy person.
Am I crazy?
I think I am, because I hear voices and see hallucinations. I hear my dead mother's voice and see her.
Am I this stupid? That I would really think that she's alive? She's not. She got murdered, and that's it.

I looked to my left, and saw a car coming. It looked like it wasn't going to slow down.
I started to think Joonas, his smile and face made me feel safe. I was imagining that he's hugging me right now.
But.. nothing like that couldn't stop the car, I heard so much yelling around me.
That black car was coming closer and closer, fast.
I felt like this was from a slowed down movie.
Why I didn't move away? I was so scared and shocked that I couldn't. What it would change anyway? I should tell to Joonas that I'm hearing voices again and I saw my mother and that almost killed me. No.

I closed my eyes just before it was going to hit me, and then I...

I'm mean that I ended this chapter into that point.. sorry.
And I'm even more sorry to say that the next chapter is going to be the last. It's coming soon, maybe on monday.
Thank you so much for reading this story, you're all amazing <3 every vote and comment means so much to me.
By the way, don't fix me is a pretty good one. I love the vibes of the music video.
Stay safe and strong, sending hugs🖤