Kirby and Friends: Adventures in Derpland

Chapter 4: Banks and Business

"Bank... Bank... WE NEED A BANK, bank..."

That was what Meta Knight had been mumbling ever since they'd left the bakery. "Meta, would you relax?" Kirby asked, irritated.

"It's your fault!" Meta Knight snapped, then went back to his mumbling about banks.

"Don't even bother with that one," King Dedede said to Kirby, his voice muffled by a large drumstick he was wolfing down.

"All he cares about is stupid money," Kirby muttered, crossing his arms the best he could.

"The people with the most money often succeed in life," Bandana piped up. "So it's no wonder that Meta is so fond of it."

"No," Meta Knight interrupted, his tone sharp. "It's because I don't want some random Waddle Dee using my credit cards!"

"You can trust us Waddle Dees!" Bandana insisted. Meta ignored him, and instead went back to... Yup, mumbling about banks.

Kirby covered the place on his head where his ears would have been, his expression showing his exasperation and anger.

"Hey, there's a bank!" King Dedede exclaimed. Meta looked up instantly, from where his gaze had been focused on the ground. "Really?!"

"Nah," Dedede chuckled. Meta Knight wished he could have sliced the fat penguin in half, but alas, there were rules...

"But I do see something," Dedede said, squinting ahead.

"Really?" Meta asked sarcastically. "Yeah, I do!" Dedede insisted. "It's a tree!"

"But Kirby defeated Wispy Woods!" Bandana cried. "Oh relax, would ya'?" Dedede said, bonking his servant with his hammer. "I didn't say anything 'bout Wispy Woods."

"Hey," Kirby interrupted. "I'm pretty hungry..."

"Kirby," Meta Knight said, giving his apprentice a funny look. "You literally just ate a piece of cake."

"Yeah, I know..." Kirby said, looking around at the group. "But you guys look pretty tasty right now..."

Bandana's eyes went wide with panic, King Dedede laughed, and although Meta Knight kept his expression at his normal T_T one, he was really slightly worried that Kirby might actually eat them all. Kirby was perfectly capable of sucking up the three of them. Well, maybe not King Dedede, but Bandana and Meta were his size...

Bandana suddenly jumped up a tree, screaming like a girl, leaving Dedede and Meta with a hungry Kirby.

Kirby then got an evil look in his eyes as he took a step towards the two. "Kirby... Don't!" Meta Knight cried, slowly backing up. "Uh..." King Dedede said, feeling uncomfortable.

Kirby then began to suck in air, making the trees shake around them. "Noooooooo!" Meta cried as he was sucked into the abyss of Kirby's stomach. "Aiiiiiiiee!" King Dedede screamed like a girl as he too was sucked in.

"You too!" Kirby said, gazing evilly up at Bandana. "Nuuuuuu!" Bandana cried as he too suffered the same fate as King Dedede and Meta Knight.

"That was fun," Kirby thought. "Time to go home!"

When Kirby arrived at his house, he suddenly needed to... "sort out business" in the bathroom. So off he waddled to the toilet. He attempted to create excrement, but was surprised at the resistance his body gave.

"Ooh," he thought. "This is a big one!"

He continued to try and do his business for a couple hours. "EEEEEEERRRRERRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!" He groaned. "Come on... Just, POOP!!"

Kirby then fell asleep on the toilet for some reason. "ZZZZZZZZ...ERGH BLERGH! ZZZZZZZZZ..." He snored.

I just made Kirby fall asleep to leave out some of the details...

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Long story short, when Kirby woke up, there was a wide-eyed Waddle Dee, angry looking Meta Knight, and a grossed-out King Dedede in his toilet.

"Hi friends!" Kirby greeted them, as if nothing had ever happened.

I am looking back at this in 2020 (~5 years after writing this) while revising my old stories and I feel...simultaneously bewildered and "wtf" over this.

2022 - I wish I never wrote this horrible thing. This is one of the things I try to forget about. Unironically /gen /srs not /j