Retrospective ~TW~

Chapter 7

"How could you have ever known what she was about to do. I am her husband and I had no idea the struggles she faced." His eyes remained locked on his hands. The gold band was spinning around his finger, almost as if it was a coping strategy for the tough discussion we were facing right now.

The moon was lucent through the window in the background, the white sheets of the bed soaking in the moonlight. The frail curtains billowed in the wind entering through the slightly adjacent window. Everything was quiet except for the distant crickets chirping off in the distance. The stillness around us only made the attention on the conversation even higher, every word being noticed and appreciated between us.

"I just wish I pushed her more. I know Susie wasn't really one to put her problems out in the world but maybe if I pushed that bit further she would have said something." I feel as though a weight is being lifted off my chest as the words leave me. We were both putting everything on the table, the words spoken dancing between us in the empty dark room.

"We can sit here and say maybe all day. Maybe we could have helped her. Maybe she would still be here. But at the end of the day, she isn't, and as difficult as it is to accept, we need to move forward. For ourselves. For Jack. For Susie." He looked in pain as the words tumbled out of his mouth.

"Fuck. It's so hard though. She was my best friend. She made me who I am and I just don't understand how we move forward without her physically here. She will always be a part of me in who I have become and she will always be in my heart. But how is this fair?"

"It isn't fair. I don't mean to be 'cringe', as you would call it, right now, but 'God gives his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers'. And right now we need to fight to get through this. But we can do it." He pulled me in, his arms encompassing me in a reassuring embrace. This was the closest Toto and I had ever been, emotionally and physically, but I felt so safe being so vulnerable to him.

We didn't move, instead enjoying the warmth and presence that we hadn't experienced in so long. We had spent so much time around each other in the last couple months, and yet, we had not spent time together, just us. We were always surrounded by Mercedes staff, family or even Jack. This was the first opportunity we had to be realistic and straightforward about our emotions and thoughts.

He stroked my arm as he pulled me in to lay in his lap, shuffling further up until his back rested softly against the headboard of the bed in the centre of the hotel room. He rested his head back as mine rested on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.

"I appreciate what you do for Jack. For me." His words were filled with sincerity. His heart rate had picked up slightly, it thumped against his ribs just that tad harder. I squeezed him that little bit tighter, his hand still encompassing mine as it rested in my lap. I traced my finger along his palm and pushed further into his chest, wanting to disappear at the refocus on me, him complimenting me.

I hummed softly, hoping it would be enough to make him move on from this conversation. His head still rested on the headboard, he hummed himself. His other hand had traced its way up my back and had made its way to my hair, knotted by the wind. I smiled softly at the thought as his hands started to try and pick through the matted locks.

"I wouldn't have been able to go on if I didn't have you at my side every step of the way. Regardless of whether its helping with Jack or helping me with business, you have looked after me so much. You have kept your promise and I know you will continue to keep it. Susie would be very proud of you." I nodded against his chest, my fatigue beginning to take place. The vulnerability of the conversation had left me more exhausted than before.

"Always, Toto. You won't be able to get rid of me even if you tried." By this point, my eyes had faltered shut and I loosened my grip on him. He was still stroking my hair, only soothing me and encouraging my overtired state. I knew I was about to sleep and sleep in the arms of a man that was so complex and infuriating but I didn't care. I wished I could say I would care but I knew subliminally that I never would. I would always be careless and feeble when Toto was around. As I was drifting off, I caught one last phrase before the fatigue consumed me.

"I wouldn't even try."

———

Hope you are enjoying the story so far!

I have been thinking about adding in some Instagram chapters for this book but wanted to get peoples opinions. Would you like to see some instagram inspired updates between the chapters (it would be a good way for me to tide you over until I can update etc). If so, would you like them in Retrospective or a seperate book that coincides with this?

Let me know!