My Thoughts

How can I be normal?

I was happy but i thought i wasn't, everyday I would say I was a victim and that my life was a big mess and shit. But when I truly became sad, or when my life really became a mess I wished I could go back to that time where I was happy but didn't know.Now I wake up everyday scared because most of the days I hurt who I love,I become anxious, angry, sad, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I wasn't like this. I was calm, patient, kind,a great friend but it all started to change with time. I feel like I'm not the same, i became worse, I feel like a vilain in the disney movies, the one that everyone hates due to how evil they are. People say I'm exagerating and that I'm not evil or whatever, but that doesn't change what i think about myselfI feel like I'm running to nowhere, I'm trying to hide but I have nowhere to hide because my problem is my brain and my thoughts. It's all so messed up, it's all so confusing. I feel like I have a certain time to change before I loose everything, or that I have a certain amount of mistakes I can do till I loose who I love but everytime I try to behave, i just mess up again and again and again..I wonder if my brain is diferent from the normal ones, does everyone think this much? "did I hurt them?" "I shouldn't have said that" "You're being ridiculous/childish/evil/crazy/boring" "They're gonna get tired of me" "Why did i say/do that??" "Do they really love me?" "Did I do something wrong?" and much more thoughts like that, not only about people but also situations,decisions,problems in my life... I overthink too much and the majority of people don't understand me or what I feel, I don't understand either, but even so, can I ask for their patience, comprehension or love even when I don't know what the hell I'm doing...I don't think I can.Somedays I just wanna give up, get rid of the pain, but I'm too scared and i still have people who care for me.I fell into a loop, I'm happy and confident, I get irritated, I mess up, I blame myself, I become sad and then the loop repeats itself almost everyday. When i try to change, I feel happy but when I do the smallest mistake it feels like I just killed someone. How can I change? What can I do to become better? How can I stop ovethinking and being anxious? How can I stop hurting my loved ones? I have alot of questions and zero answers. How can i be less afraid? How can I stop worying people? How can i be more happy? ....How can I be normal?