smeared mascara was left over from the day. my hair tucked loosely behind my ears. i wanted to cry. i couldn't. i could feel my lips crusting in the wind. my heart was beating incredibly fast. i felt like i was going to collapse at any moment. i thought i was having a heart attack. i was shaking profusely. i couldn't feel my hands. i tried to move them. they didn't budge. they were surrounding my phone. holding so tight that they started sweating. i had one song on repeat. it felt right. i felt so comfortable. i felt so safe. like this, in the middle of the very front of my neighborhood road, so close to the actual road, could have been my new home. i could have gotten ran over. but i didn't move. i didn't try. i didn't want to. i just stood there. like a child that just left their mothers side in the grocery store. dumbfounded. a few cars flew by. i wondered maybe what they had thought about me. taking their eyes off the road to see a child standing in the road. would they try to kidnap me. ask me what's wrong. they keep going. but i know they thought i was pretty cool. either that, or they thought i was a psycho. i wouldn't mind what they thought. i was getting attention after all. negative or not, i was getting attention. or maybe not. maybe they went right past. maybe they thought what i was doing was normal. i knew this wasn't normal. i have lied many times. about how i go outside at midnight to ride my bike regularly. that was not true. i have never once gone out my house after 8pm to ride my bike. the sun would go down and my mom would tell me to come in. i would put my bike in the garage, closing the door on my way inside. and once the bicycle was in the garage and everyone went to bed, there was no way in getting it out to ride it once more. the door was too loud. i once got told off for opening the door to let the dog piss. i once put it on the outside of the garage. i planned to go out the front door, which was way quieter, and ride then. i wanted my lie to become true. that had been the one lie that felt so wrong to tell. i felt as though someone would confront me. and maybe kill me once they found i lied about such things. but no dumb bike ride at 12am is planned. it has to be a decision made on the spot. i felt the urge to sit. in the middle of the road. i didn't though. instead i felt myself running. it just happened. i could hear the wind whipping past me quickly. my feet became my only feeling. they hurt. i was only wearing socks. and the rocky type of material cut my feet up. but i didn't care. i ran all the way back to my house. into the grass and on my front porch. i laid their for a while. looking at the stars. catching my breath. it was so exhilarating. i loved every moment of it. i felt so real. the world was right there. in front of me. laying there right next to me. i could touch it. i was living it. the earth was my best friend in that moment. it was an ironic vibe. it made me shiver. but i smiled. i had gotten a call from my mom. asking why i had left home. they were away at a concert. on their way home. she found it odd and told me that we would have a talk. my feet were cut up. my stomach was going to hurt for the rest of the night. my phone was about to die. i was still shaking. i am mentally ill. but i smiled.
