Maybe We Don't Deserve Perfect - Discontinued

Chapter 5 ~ It Probably Won't Get Better

She had lost track of time. It was already growing lighter outside, the sun rising slowly above the horizon, causing clouds to be lit by golden-yellow hues.

Yelena sighed and made her way out of the gym and back to the main house. That hadn't helped at all. Usually it would help loosen the seemingly ever present knot in her stomach or calm the thoughts whirling through her head, but today it did neither. It actually somewhat made things worse.

She made her way to the kitchen, planning to get something to drink, and maybe to eat.

Wanda was sitting at the table, a steaming cup of something that smelled like herbs in her hands. She seemed lost in thought, but smiled up at Yelena when she noticed her.

"Oh hey," Wanda said, "Couldn't sleep either?"

Yelena shook her head, "Not tired."

"Here," Wanda poured her a cup of tea, passing it to her as Yelena sat down, "To help with whatever terrible thing woke you up this morning."

Yelena took the cup, enjoying the warmth it spread through her hands, "How did you know?"

Wanda took a sip of her tea before answering, "Well, you look like you've been working out for hours, and your knuckles are split. Which means I have to assume that you were punching something, and who would be punching at a punching bag three in the morning except to clear their thoughts?"

"Three in the morning?" Yelena asked, "It's five right now."

"I was rounding," Wanda replied.

Yelena raised an eyebrow, "Backwards?"

"Yes."

"Okay..." Yelena took a sip of the tea, a bitter taste setting across her tongue. Huh, she would have thought Wanda would drink something sweeter.

"The bitterness helps calm my thoughts," Wanda told Yelena, almost like she could read her thoughts. Oh wait, she could. She wouldn't though, right? "So does the smell. I'm actually really glad you guys had this flavor of tea here, I didn't realize how much I needed it."

Yelena nodded, taking another sip of the bitter drink. She let the hot liquid roll over her tongue for a minute, unsure about the taste. Wanda was right though, the bitterness and smell helped somewhat calm her thoughts.

"You should really take care of yourself," Wanda said, gesturing to Yelena's hands that held the cup. The skin around her knuckles were split, causing blood to dribble out.

"It is nothing, really," Yelena replied.

"Sure, split knuckles aren't life-threatening, but they're still something, Yelena," Wanda told her.

"I have dealt with worse things."

"I know, you got shot literally like a month ago, but that doesn't change the fact that you don't have to deal with that anymore. At least not alone. You should let us help you."

Yelena shook her head, "I can not."

"Why not?" Wanda asked. She seemed to actually be interested in Yelena's answer.

Because I don't trust you, Yelena wanted to say, because I can't let you see how broken I really am. Because I can't let you see how I'm not perfect.

Yelena shrugged instead.

"You should change how you think about that," Wanda told her, lifting her cup to drink again. She paused, "You should change how you deal with your injuries as well."

"I can not change," Yelena replied, "The world says I can not change."

The Red Room says I can't change. I have to be perfect. I can't change that. There's no changing that.

"The world is wrong."

"Death doesn't change," she blurted out, unsure of how to reply, "It remains the same, taking everything from everyone."

"But life changes," Wanda smiled, "Life changes more than we could ever know."

Yelena took another sip, mulling over what Wanda said. Could Wanda actually be right? Maybe she could change?

She's lying. Earning your trust when she's just going to break it anyway. Who cares if she earns your trust or not. This whole world is fake. It always is.

It's real. There's no way it isn't real.

Really? Ghosts, Avengers wanting to be your friend, and your fake mother actually asking for help? There's no way that this is real.

"You said you needed this," Yelena said, gesturing to the tea. She wanted to change the subject, to pull herself out of her thoughts again. If they even were her own thoughts. "How come?"

Wanda paused, cup halfway to her mouth. She set the cup down, and closed her eyes for a second, breathing in. She opened her eyes again, "You know.... those days where you wake up, and just absolutely everything reminds you of the people you've lost? And you just can't stop thinking about them? They're just there, and you don't know what to do?"

She frowned, "Today's like that. I woke up, and was reminded that I wouldn't see Pietro's grin ever again, or be able to spend time with Vision. And...."

She bit her bottom lip, tears welling up in her eyes.

"And you have to wonder if the shock of them being gone will hit you just as hard every time you open your eyes in the morning," Yelena finished, her voice surprisingly soft even to her own ears.

Wanda glanced up at her, slight surprise in her tear filled eyes, "...yeah, and then I had to realize that... it probably won't get better. Sure, I might have some good days, but I'll always end up missing them."

Wanda took in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. She wiped away her tears, and gave Yelena a sad smile, "But at least I always know that I'll have the rest of the team to help me! This might sound silly, but they're my family now. Or at least, I think of them that way. That's why Nat's death was so hard on everyone... we lost our sister."

They're her family. There is no place for you.

"...hi."

Yelena turned behind her, somewhat surprised to find Ella standing there, one hand grasping her arm.

Wanda gave her a kind smile, "Hello. Would you like to join us for some tea?"

Ella nodded and sat down as Wanda poured her a cup.

"You sounded very proper," Yelena mussed, "Like a real British princess or something."

"Thank you. I've been practicing," Wanda grinned.

Ella smiled softly at the joke, and so Yelena made another one, attempting to lift the mood in the room and forget the knot in her stomach.

Except, there was no knot.

She could breathe easily for the first time in months.

Wanda really had helped.