RECONDITE THOUGHTS

I miss you

Part of my heart is still beating in 2017.

Nostalgia hurts worse than a lot of things ever could. Revisiting a place filled with memories but nothing is the same. 

I'm writing to avoid fucking up and sending am, "I miss us" text, because how selfish would that be? When you've probably, or definitely moved on and I should have too. Except I haven't because I can't picture a single bad time that we ever had. 

I shouldn't miss you like this. I wish I could tell you how fondly I look back on us and how badly I wish that we could try again. I wish that could be okay. 

I want to tell you that my heart still swells when I see your name pop up on my phone because maybe my brain still remembers the time when it was followed by a red heart. I want to tell you that I've forgotten what your laugh sounds like and it kills me because it was a sound I used to chase every day. 

I miss staying up late because it was the best time for us to text. 

I wonder how strange you would think I was if I actually were to tell you this. Would you judge me for still hanging on five years later? Or does a small part of you yearn for what once was as well? 

Part of me wants to give you a second chance, but I know better than to ask because you've given me plenty of opportunities to try for one.  Opportunities I didn't take. Of course if I knew then what I knew now I would go back in time and choose you over and over again. I may have never even let you go. I would tell myself to stop being mad and to let it go.

I told you I loved you and you said the same to me, probably before we really knew what it meant to love somebody. I know now that I was so young and didn't really have a grasp on what it was like to be in love. 

If I had you now I know I would love you the way you want. I would start over and love you so hard and make you feel so special and you would be mine yet again and I could scream at the top of my lungs that you are mine again and that you're not slipping away this time. I'd love you the way you continued to love me for years after we separated. 

I would've been five years. Am I pathetic or a romantic? 

We've just survived so much. Friendship, relationships, betrayal of trust, breakups, friends again, betrayal of trust again, to finally back to where we are now. Two friends with a lot of history and an unspoken feeling of "I'm sort of still into you but I don't know if you are and it doesn't matter anyway because we've tried too many times." 

I'd go back to that day you asked me to be yours again and I would've said yes, had I known then what I know now.

Hindsight sure is 20/20. 

It's so weird to know that you would still do anything for me if I needed you. And I would do the same for you. It hurts to text you sometimes. 

I shouldn't feel this way. But I do.