Wrong

Wrong

Every choice I make seems to always be the wrong choice

I wear the wrong clothes

I have the wrong attitude

I fate the wrong guys

I eat the wrong foods

I like the wrong movies

I listen to the wrong music

I get the wrong jobs

I chose the wrong college major

Every choice is wrong

I try to strive to make the right choices

I fight to do the right thing

But in my head its become so overthought

So second guessed

Its stressful and pushes me harder and harder

Until my anxiety is stuck in the "Worst Case Scenario" outcome

No good comes from the choices I make

Except I did make one choice that had finally been looked at as a right choice

And I pushed through and strived to do my best.

One day something in my head snapped

It was all stress and anxiety and I felt like I was falling apart

I was in tears day after day

I made a choice

I thought it was the right choice

To keep on the path I was aiming but to take that path from a different road

But I screwed up on that path and now hanging on with a tight grip

Still trying to fight for that path

Fear and anxiety and stress have me in a panic

Scared I'll end up in the wrong path all over again

I can hear your words and see your face

The anger and disappointment that I've come to learn well

Looming over me again until I feel sick and want to curl away in the dark

That fear chokes me, brings tears to my eyes and pulls the air from my lungs

I only ever wanted you proud of me

Of something in my life that I had done, something that might have been right

But its all been wrong

I don't see the pride, I see the disappointment as I slide deeper into the dark

I get told that everyone makes mistakes, some make more than others

But how many mistakes am I to make in life before You've given up on me?

How many times can I be blinded and make the wrong choice?

You already don't believe me when I tell you the truth

You already look to me like I'll never be more than a burden of a child.

I try to apologize, I swear that I'll have the right choice next time

But all I see is the disappointment and the weariness

You just wait for another wrong choice to be made

Another exasperated talk where I try to explain

Where I try to have you understand that I don't know

Why

I don't know

How

I don't know

When

I don't know

What

I don't know

But I swear that I'm trying

I swear that I mean to do the right thing

That I do listen

And I try to implicate what I've learned from past mistakes

But again its all wrong

So it looks like I don't listen

I don't learn

I do what I want without thinking of consequences

I only hear what I want to hear

And on the inside I'm crying

I'm screaming

I'm begging and pleading with you to understand

I am trying so hard

Just to get a glimpse of the pride I see when you look at my brothers

Just to get a whisper of the way you talk about them said for me

Just to get a glance from you that doesn't look like disappointment

I see your faces

I watch them change in almost an instant as you look to me

I don't know where or what or how things became so wrecked and messed up

I swear I'm sorry and that I don't know how I became just so

Wrong