Gambler

GAMBLE 66

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User050617 @user050617

Mom and dad decided to end it. Akala ko dati hindi ko kakayanin, I thought if I lost the only thing I have been saving my whole life it'll be the end. But now that it's happening why do I feel so fucking free.

comments.

User050617
Free from all the toxicity that family gave me. Free from the shouting every night as if they never cared for each other even for me. Free from all of those. The only thing that made me cry was the realizations, I've been holding on to something I should've let go from the very beginning, a long time ago.

User050617
That family gave me shelter but never sheltered me, it was the very cause of my sufferings that now it was gone the feeling of losing it cannot overpower the feeling of freedom that I'm feeling.

User050617
I should feel the love but mommy, daddy, your love felt like a leash. You were never there when I needed a family. You caused me nothing but trauma and while you're fighting and so busy almost wanting to kill each other all I have is this lonely stupid room

User050617
You made me hate the word family and I promise myself I would never let anyone near me feel this awful thing.

User050617
Not my friends

User050617
Not even Rush, I can never do that to him, to them, because I would hate myself

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User050617 @user050617

Brandy got tired, and maybe it's for the better because I won't just stand here anymore and watch them ruin each other. Although it pains me, I thought they're meant to be together. But you can never force something to work no matter how much you desire.

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User050617 @user050617

Ang tagal ko ring hindi pumunta dito. I almost forgot I have this.

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User050617 @user050617

Brandy told me she never despised River after those years. I can still see how she cares for him kahit antagal na panahon na yung lumipas. Then I realized something. On why do I always have this urge to protect them since brandy came to our lives.

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User050617 @user050617

She reminds me of the family I've always been praying for. She always give love, and even after it failed she's never afraid to try again and give love again because her lola, her fam filled her with so much love.

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User050617 @user050617

Then it led me to another realization, the reason I can't give Rush what he want is because I have no idea what love is. Yes I like him but that is very different from love which no one taught me how to. The whole concept of love? I don't understand it and I'm not capable of it.

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User050617 @user050617

Brandy received so much love that's why she's always able to give love too, while I, on the other hand grew up in a family without love. How does it feel? Alam kong hindi magandang pakiramdam 'to pero naiinggit ako.

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User050617 @user050617

Those people who said that it's your choice whether to give love or not, they're people who never really experienced being hurt like this. I tried so hard to pull myself together, to be a good person, I'm tired of trying.

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User050617 @user050617

I can never risk something like an attraction for a commitment, can you blame me? I lived in a family where there is no love, it's so toxic and traumatizing.

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User050617 @user050617

Doon mo marerealize that it all starts from home indeed. You see, how a family you grew up in can build you or ruin you

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User050617 @user050617

I wanted to give rush what he deserves too, but I can't. Kasi sa totoo lang natatakot ako, sobra.

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User050617 @user050617

How can I even give something that I don't have?