give me a sign

Hes so pretty <3

Spring.

Summer.

Winter.

Fall.

It all escapes me.

It is once again 4 am and I lay here helplessly, waiting to be succumbed to sleep.

I wait...

And I wait...

And I wait.

No luck.

I sit up and move carefully off my bed, not wanting to make much noise.
I flinch at the sudden rush of pain jolting throughout my body from this afternoon.

I try not to think about it, to think of anything else but that. However, my brain was already well on its way down that road.

__________

As I came home from school the house was torn apart which wasn't that unusual but every nerve in my body was telling me to run. I decided to ignore it seeing as leaving now will do more harm than good.

I assess my environment, I heard arguing in the kitchen which again, wasn't unusual. I place my bag down and cautiously walk to the doorframe, only inches away from being seen.

I overheard my father shouting at my mother again who I'm positive did nothing wrong...as per usual.

"Andrew, please... The boys will be home soon."

"Answer me when I'm talking to you bitch! Don't make me repeat myself."

I peaked in to see my father's hand towering over my mother. At this moment I reacted purely on adrenaline.
I rushed over to my father gripping his wrist before he had the chance to strike.

I looked up to see the pure hate in his eyes.
"You dare touch me, boy?"
I became weak again, Scared, like always. He shoved me down leading me to crash into a cabinet.

"Don't you ever....disrespect me ever again-
*Smack*
Do you understand me?"

"Yes," I spoke out meekly. "Yes, what?"

"-Yes sir."

He let go of me and pointed at my mother
"I'm not finished with you yet...As for you" he then pointed at me. "Make yourself useful and get me a beer."
I looked at my mom who gave me a weak smile and nodded.
"Now" he yelled kicking me in the stomach to give me some motivation to move.

How I hate my father.

________

I feel foolish.

I feel weak.

I feel pain.

I want to feel nothing.

I glanced at my alarm: 5:12. No use going to sleep now. I sigh.

I spend the rest of my morning getting ready for school.

I check my phone to see 11 new messages, and my heart sunk in a little scanning each one...

I looked at the time again, 6:02.

Tossing my phone aside I got my younger brother up and ready.
"Hey bubby it's time to get up," I said as quietly as I could, lightly shaking him awake.

Henry was 9, he was intelligent and sweet the only thing keeping him back in school was that he was mute. My mother believes it's because of our father, I wouldn't be too surprised.

Unfortunately, kids are cruel and make fun of him for it. my mother and I helped him learn ASL so we could communicate but there's only so much we can do.
__________________

We got onto the bus and arrived at school. It felt like years until we arrived. I for one didn't mind school, sure some people made fun of me for how I looked but at least I wasn't home with my dad.

I walk to my first-period class where I noticed the guidance counselor talking with my advisory teacher...with someone else right next to my desk.

I'm not one for eavesdropping but I simply couldn't help but overhear.

"I'm not sure how we're going to do this I've never had to teach a deaf student before, it's not like the school can afford a translator."

I look over to see the boy they were referring to.

He was tall, rugged, and had a blazing shade of auburn hair and beautiful emerald eyes.

As soon as we locked eyes my heart dropped. He gave me the sweetest smile It was as if at that moment I forgot how to breathe.

[Forgive me for asking but do you need a translator?]

His face immediately lit up and nodded his head. I swallowed hard as I worked up the courage to talk to the two teachers.

"*Ahem* uh I could show him around, I know how to sign and all that, only if he's okay with it that is." They both turn their attention to me.

My anxiety spiked as they glanced at the boy. "Roman, would you like Virgil to be your translator?" She said almost patronizingly slow. She went on to explain everything that that would include, like us sharing the same classes, me having to dedicate time for him, etcetera.

We both agreed and waited as she wrote a note for us to give to the person in the main office to get our schedules fixed.

I didn't mind doing this in the slightest.

________

Now that the boring stuff is out of the way and I finish showing him his classes.

The tour of the school took a lot longer than expected.
It's about five minutes until lunch.

We filled the time with small talk. I learned that he lived in California before his father moved them here. He also mentioned that even though he was deaf he could still read lips which I found intriguing.

Lunch wasn't as bad as I had anticipated, I had to talk to people out of my comfort zone but it didn't scare me that bad because of roman.

Although Roman on the other hand looked relieved when people stopped crowding him. I wouldn't blame him it seems people are insensitive and treat him like a showpiece for some reason.

The bell rang though. We watched as the crowd went by dwindling Little by little.

I saw the face that made my heart shrivel up. I saw Keith with his...other girlfriend.

The unexpected sight of them makes my lungs tighten and my heart weaken.

I moved to the side of the hall with shakey breathes.

Please not now, he'll think I'm a pathetic looser.

I did my best to keep this panic attack at bay but with all my might it is without success.

The despair dwelling up inside tears threatening

Roman tapped my shoulder gently to get my attention. Without signing he motioned his hands to him and back slowly back and forth signaling me to follow his breathing.

He comfortingly smiled and gave me a thumbs up, telling me I was doing well.

After god knows how long I find myself calm again.

[So do you have panic attacks often?]

I nodded my head yes. [I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 10]

He gave a sympathetic look as we became scarily silent.

[C'mon we'll be late for class.]

°how was this?°