More than just a friend || Roger Taylor

43- it took years to unlove you

"Roger wait a sec." we both sat up, myself adjusting my hair as Roger didn't let his eyes break from my frame. I didn't want to say what I was about to say, of course I didn't, but when I'd been hurt the way I was what else was I supposed to think.

Kissing him again felt like it had all come back. All the memories of us, before we were friends, and now I knew all of them had been spent whilst he was dating another girl. And I couldn't bare that thought when I felt he didn't love me.

"What ?" He questioned, the silent pause we fell into managing to smother him completely, and layer a blanket of guilt across me. I didn't want to confess what was on my mind, only because I knew the response would play on my mind for days after and haunt my thoughts.

"I don't know if I can do this again..."

"Then we won't keep it all secret. We'll tell everyone... I don't care anymore. I'll run into the streets right now and tell everyone I wanna be with you if you want."  He reassured me, pushing back a piece of hair that had fallen rogue so gently I knew I had to let my stare remain on the floor to not become ridden with guilt.

"No... I mean us. I don't know if I can be with you again. It still hurts- and I can't let myself go through it all again Roger. I can't be the girl you just shag... I can't. We're so good as friends... it's different." I shrugged, watching the concern his features held drop and blend into a slight annoyance, one that I fully expected. "And I-"

"You kissed me Lynn." He blurted out suddenly, scoffing as I nodded slowly. "You're the one that ran out the flat and kissed me."

"I was drunk, and I was desperate for you. I didn't think about it. I thought about our future, but I can't now without our past pulling me back. I thought I could do this but I don't think I can. I mean my god Roger I tore myself apart because of you... and I've never been happier than I am being your friend."

"So what did you expect to happen ? What did that kiss mean exactly ? That you were drunk and feeling a little bit flirty and I was the only straight guy in the room ? Do you think I kissed you back just for the fun of it ?" Roger got up from the sofa, pacing back and fourth in the middle of the living room as Toulouse jumped into his empty seat. "Say something Adelynn... please."

"I don't know ! But what I do know is that being your friend I wasn't gonna get hurt just as easily. This time when you cared about me it wasn't to get me in your bed... you didn't hug me in hopes of a kiss. This time it felt like you really did care about me, but that was because you were my friend Roger. And by being that I knew it was impossible for me to get hurt again."  I yelled back, my arms throwing themselves around in dramatic gestures as Roger just shook his head and laughed.

"I've always cared about you Adelynn. Always. I thought I was gonna come round and we were gonna talk about how me and you were gonna work... not how we were gonna end. We've not even kissed in almost three years Lynn... everything is so different now. Completely. What happened is never gonna happen again."

"Roger you don't understand... I wanted you. And I cried for you. And I fucking hated you... and I hated you because I knew I would always choose you no matter what. And you fucking took that away from me."

"So what happens now Lynn ? We go back to never knowing each other ?" He sighed, his head dropping into his hands before they ran back through his hair as I nibbled at the edge of my finger tips. I didn't know anything, which is how the situation escalated so quickly, and I knew better than he did that I'd made a mistake. One I regretted too.

"No Roger... having you in my life is amazing. And my god of course I want to be with you... but I cant let myself. Whose to say you won't find a nice little side piece and tell her you love her- that what you did to Dom. I don't trust you. And it's not fair on either of us that we go through that again." I felt the horrid need to cry in that moment, let a tear or two roll, and that's because not only the look on Roger's face as he slumped down into the armchair, but because I knew what I was next going to say. "I'm sorry I kissed you."