Script from Shrek

Script shrek

FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

SHREK: And the squatters?

FARQUAAD: As good as gone.

SHREK: What kind of quest?

DULOC - EXTERIOR

Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

SHREK: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

SHREK: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

DONKEY: Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY: Example?

SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

DONKEY: (sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK: Yes - - No!

DONKEY: They make you cry?

SHREK: No!

DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off)

DONKEY: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK: (Yelling) No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

SHREK: You know, I think I preferred your humming.

DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant, ominous volcano.

DONKEY: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.