Script from Shrek

Script shrek

Shrek marches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him.

FARQUAAD: (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? (The crowd gasps) It's hideous!

SHREK: (Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey (Donkey looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him).

FARQUAAD: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! (Points at Shrek)

The Duloc Knights draw their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd cheering them on.

CROWD: Get him!

SHREK: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer)

CROWD: Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK: (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

CROWD: Kill the beast!

SHREK: No? All right then. (drinks the ale in one gulp) Come on!

Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek uses the ropes of the wrestling ring to launch himself at two knights and knocks them over. The crowd Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold.

DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek brings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey.

SHREK: Yeah!

A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to sees him and jumps on him.

WOMAN: The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him into the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild.

SHREK: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

Farquaad motions to the guards, who then aim their crossbows at Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.

GUARD: Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!

The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays.

SHREK: What?

FARQUAAD: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

SHREK: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD: Your swamp?

SHREK: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK: Exactly the way it was?