Script from Shrek

Script shrek

GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD: The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man!

FARQUAAD: She's married to the muffin man...(A door opens and the Captain announces himself)

HEAD GUARD: My lord! We've found it.

FARQUAAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN: (in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD: Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR: Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD: Go on.

MIRROR: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!

Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror presents a dating show to Farquaad, Thelonious, the Captain, and a few Duloc Guards.

MIRROR: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows painting of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows painting of Snow White in her slumber) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows painting of Princess Fiona at the window of her tower) So will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

GUARDS: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

FARQUAAD: Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

"Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes begins playing. The crowd cheers.

FARQUAAD: (Gazing at her portrait) Princess Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...(Farquaad starts braintstorming)

MIRROR: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD: (Talking to himself, ignoring the Mirror) I'll do it.

MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly)