The doughnuts had failed to de-escalate the situation. You could cut the tension with a knife this morning in the office. My manager Claire was sitting down at the far end of the office, pretending to listen to something on her laptop when I came in. She gave me a blithering look when I came in the door and told me that HR would have to be involved now. Chris could hardly look me in the eye when I asked how his four-year old's birthday party went yesterday. Last week he tore a whole in the arse of trousers doing lunges, with excitement when I accepted his invitation to his family BBQ this weekend. Is he genuinely afraid of me too? Even bubbly Barbara who wouldn't hurt a fly and always saw the good in people couldn't make small talk at the coffee dock. Although it didn't stop her from scoffing one of my iced glazed doughnuts.
Chris paced the floor several times before plucking up the courage to come over to my desk. Finally, someone who believes me, I told myself. You see, it's not all bad I reassured my inner thoughts. I began to tell him how relieved I was to have someone in my corner when he blurted out.
"I don't think you should come to the family BBQ on Saturday Megan. I, I, I think it would be just awkward. You know, with everyone from the office there. Maybe it's for the best."
He looked anxious and uncomfortable as a bead of sweat dripped down along his forehead and into his seventies looking sideburns. His liquid chocolate eyes couldn't seem to make contact with mine. I couldn't bring myself to speak with the fear of sobbing, so I just nodded and busied myself in my handbag until he walked away. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and I was fairly sure that my cheeks were rosier than normal. Chris left after a few seconds too long and I could see Kevin and Sandra looking at me while they spoke. I really thought Sandra of all people would have understood. How many nights did she show up at my front door with a bottle of gin in one hand and a box of Kleenex in another?
At 9:35 the office was usually in full swing at this stage filled with Christmas cheer and upbeat Christmas songs, yet no one could muster up the words to speak. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just listened to my mother who pleaded with me to stop and shove those feelings back down. There was no need for me to go up to the roof when I was that drunk. What did I expect to happen with that many people around? I bargained with myself to just get through today and tomorrow and then it's off down the country. Far away from him. Far away from this office Far away from the turmoil that I've created.
I rooted around at the bottom of my handbag for my headphones. Meditation would have to get me through the day and my hangover for that matter. I selected the option to calm my anxiety and was just about to place one of the ear buds into my left ear, when the door opened slowly. It was him. Oh shit!
