Of all the things

Chapter Fourteen

"Mamatay – matay ako habang nagda-drive, Theo, tapos sasabihin mo sa akin na you're not feeling well! Sabi mo na-stroke ka na!"

"You asked me if I want to have sex with you! I am hallucinating!" Balik sigaw ko sa kanya. She looked as if she was taken a back. "And hallucinations are one of the symptoms of stroke!"

"Ahhh!" Hailey screamed. Ramdam ko ang frustrations niya sa buhay. "I really asked you! You were not hallucinating! We have been in this for almost two months and a half, but you seldom kiss me, you don't touch me from waist downwards?! Am I not attractive enough for you or you disgust me because I had sex with my own flesh and blood?!" Ang lakas – lakas ng boses ni Hailey – napatingin sa amin ang kakapasok na nurse, nanlalaki ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin kay Hailey. Sigurado akong narinig niya ang mga salitang lumabas sa bibig ng girlfriend ko.

"See! Hindi ka makasagot! Nandidiri ka nga sa akin! You told me you want the best for me but you cannot go pass that!"

"Fuck, Hailey! I want to kiss you!"

"Then do it!"

"I want us to make out!"

"I want that too!"

"But I want to do it when you're ready. Not because you feel obligated because we're in this together and we are making things work. I want you to fall in love with me, WITH ME, Hals, not with the thought of us together, like what you said, we're best friends and the friends to boyfriends/girlfriend's relationship development is ideal. I was us to fall in love because it's real NOT because it is IDEAL."

Natahimik si Hailey. Nagtitigan kaming dalawa.

"Sir, can... uhm, I take your blood?" Halos makalimutan ko ang nurse na kasama namin sa ER. Hailey excused herself, I was left alone with the nurse. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong napag-iisip ko. Maybe I am really overacting. Dapat kinalma ko na lang ang sarili ko, dapat nasa bahay kaming dalawa ngayon, dapat hindi kami nag -aaway, ayoko ng pakiramdam na masama ang loob naming sa isa't isa.

Hailey has no idea how much I want to be with her, how much I want our intimacy to change. Hindi niya alam kung ilang beses kong pinipigilan ang sarili ko. I want her that way. I am a man, with needs, and I want her to know that if ever we are doing all of those things, she is going to be my first. I am nervous, I am scared that I'm no match for Perseus Vejar, that I won't satisfy her carnal needs, but that was only the tip of the iceberg.

What I want is for us to fall in love slowly, but surely. I don't need to fall in love with her anymore, I already fell. I'm just giving her time. I want her to realize that she wants me, how much she really wants this, I want her to know by herself that this is our relationship, not just sime lame deal she made with her dad. Natatakot ako nacbaka sa dulo nang lahat ng ito, pagkatapos nang lahat ng emosyong naibigay naming dalawa sa isa't isa, maiisip niyang hindi ako ang gusto niyang makasama at masasaktan ako nang sobra.

I want her to want this. I want her to love me.

"Sir, since wala naman po kayong nararamdamang mabigat, you can wait na lang po sa lounge kasama ng girlfriend ninyo – kung naroon po siya." I smiled at the nurse. Dahan – dahan akong bumaba ng kama at lumabas ng ER, nakita ko agad si Hailey na nakaupo sa isa sa mga metal chairs roon. She was playing with her hands, natatakot pa akong lumapit sa kanya kasi baka sigawan niya.

But I sat beside her. Ang tagal naming tahimik bago ko naramdamang hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.

"I'm sorry if I was rushing you to things." Mahinang wika niya.