what if i never get over you?

chapter two.

callie ~ 18 months after.

          i started therapy last month. now, my twice-weekly sessions are starting to show. i've finally started to sort through the mess in my mind. i've even started making plans for a future.

it's been really challenging. way more challenging than i imagined it to be but im glad it is. in a way it needed to be. it keeps me from thinking about billie.

the memory of her leaving was like a parasite in my brain. it has sucked the life out of me. i learned that i had to stop thinking about what she's doing or how she's doing all the time. i used to type in her name on google multiple times a day and read every article.

i could never watch the interviews though. i don't think i could bear to hear her voice after all this time. i've started to forget the small things. like what her laugh sounded like or how her eyebrows would furrow and her mouth would open the slightest amount whenever she was confused. the way she would stick her tongue out whenever she was focusing.

if i kept feeding into that and then realized i couldn't do it anymore. because if i did, i'd be devastated by her leaving over and over again.

so instead i'm focusing on my mental health, getting that job i've always dreamed of having. and a rainbow of other additional reasons. i've also started gradually increasing the amount of time i spend asleep each night. the end goal being not to fear it anymore.

i used to spend my nights wide awake. my mind never shut off. i don't think i've been completely relaxed since that awful day 18 months ago. i'm always tense for some reason.

i'm also leaning how to cook. trying to cut down on caffeine too.

billie would be happy for me i think. i hope she'd be proud. my therapist says that's a waste of it all. i mean yes, i do try to live a life billie would be proud of. but it will always shatter my soul that my dream became a canyon so deep that we had no hope of getting through it.

although she decided against saving us, i have never been able to stop trying.

i miss her still. so much. the little mundane moments. anticipating her smile whenever i'd crack a funny joke. the way she'd press her face into my neck whenever i'd get home from work. how she would always fall asleep halfway through every movie we ever watched. those first sky-high moments of kissing her. waking up on the weekends to hear her singing in the shower.

her soft voice oozing from underneath the bathroom door was one hell of a way to start your day that's for sure. i always knew she'd go far if she used it. when she posted ocean eyes. i still remember the shock on her face when it hit 1,000 plays.

i wasn't shocked at all. i had been lucky enough to hear her angelic voice for years before she posted that. the last song she ever sang in my shower was bruno majors "the most beautiful thing" on our final morning together. the day before she left to start her USA leg of tour.

her first tour.

i was so proud of her. 2 weeks later i got the dreaded call from her the inform me she's not coming home to me. i went into the bathroom and just stood there. i tried my best to conjure up the sound of her voice singing that song for me. her towel that i left on the rail slipped off and became a crumple on the floor.

it took me 6 months to move it.