What Have You Got to Offer?

Attributes or Qualifications?

Dora's appointment to Head Clerk had everyone in derision. There was snickering throughout the offices, people pissing themselves with laughter by the photocopier and derision in the boardroom. Had Jenkins gone mad? Why the hell had he appointed this girl? What were her qualifications? Did she have qualifications and attributes?

Dora Smith. A seemingly unpretentious name. Not one that you would appoint to head of department such as a Smyth, Tomkinson or a Blythe for instance. Everybody, I mean everybody was incensed and delirious at this appointment. Jenkins had made a few faux-pas in the past but non like this. But the burning question on everyone's lips was... why?

Dora. Plain as a custard pie, though with a little smile that managed to endear her to most people. She wasn't the best sandwich in the picnic box and the lift certainly didn't go to the top floor...but she had something!

It wasn't clear what in school. The teachers tore their hair out as they tried to instil the basics. She just did not know the difference between a novel a noun or a number. Thick as champ but quite oblivious to it. Oh, she did have one outstanding quality, she was devious....and that is, to a fault. She knew how to extract a money every Monday morning from her classmates...well, maybe not mates. She was a one-girl mafia and could add up her takings at the end of the day. Anybody who tried to con her was mincemeat on the way home from school.

Tough then? Yes, tough enough to make her way through school and through the world to that dizzy pinnacle of exams. She didn't stand a chance, but that was not going to beat her, she would find a way. Milly Butler was her best friend. God knows why. She was everything that Dora wasn't but had fallen under her spell right from the beginning of secondary school. She would do anything to please Dora and had agreed to help her cheat in the exams. Dora passed. Not quite a distinction, but enough to ensure that she could ensure a decent job. So, with certificate in hand and the job section of the local paper she set off in pursuit of a future. The advertisement immediately caught Dora's eye:

MORAL BANKERS
Seek eager young person to join their ethical team of operatives.
Above average salary and best conditions assured.
Promotion available for employees with the right attributes.
Tel: Mr Jenkins in first instance.
00132 768459

Jenkins was known throughout the offices of the company as a bit of a pervert. He was always sneaking into the offices of the female staff with some pretence of a reason for needing something. No one ever knew what. He just hung around talking aimlessly, then slipped away like a phantom, until the next time...the only unwanted memory of him being there was the lingering odour of sweat from his underarms. He was held in derision as Bridget Jones' cavalier owing to the fact that at one time he had admitted to his secretary in an unguarded moment, to being impressed by the size of Bridget's knickers. She in turn had spread it round all the offices. So Jenkins had become the butt of every sleazy innuendo circulating the company.

Jenkins was the lead at the interviews. The other two were in his pocket. If he said yes, it was yes...if no, then it was no. Dora flew through the interview and even she harboured a niggling doubt as to why? She was delighted to receive the letter that week informing her that she had an operative position. She was rearing to go and saw a glittering future ahead.

Dora started the following Monday and immediately began to win people round with her native cunning and devious intent. She would make the top of this job no matter what it took to get there. After all, she was convinced she had passed her exams by her own intelligence (as self-deceived as she was), now she would go high.

Her first tea break came none too soon and she was the first to the canteen. She chirruped on to all around her and sounded off with banal conversation in which few people took even the slightest interest. But, as usual, Dora was oblivious to their inattention.

Returning to her station, she was hit by a stroke of luck. Jenkins was not usually down in the denizens of the ordinary staff, it was below his snooty and dubious dignity. But today he had a seedy mission and he could see the object of it coming down the corridor.

"Good morning Miss Smith or is it Smyth?" he intoned in a seedy, grovelling, nasal voice. His questions as to how she was fitting in and was she comfortable,? came over with an, I'll do anything to help suggestiveness.

This was an opportunity the devious Dora was not going to miss, she would milk Jenkins just like she had creamed off the money each Monday from all her schoolmates; Jenkins was her ticket to the top and she knew it. Intent on impressing him with her attributes and smartness she replied, "Mr Jenkins, I would just like to express my appreciation for your realising my potential and suitability for the job. I am sure you will find that my qualifications will enable me to serve you in the most demanding of roles...thank you so much."

"Don't thank me Miss Smyth, er Smith," the seedy voice replied. "It was your legs that got you the job. We'll be seeing more of each other I am sure."