The Diary

Diary

Jiang Cheng standing by the large window beside his bed, in sleeping robes, untied messy hairs falling on his back making him a extreme definition of beauty.

A shiver went through his spine as the cold breeze passed by. Holding a jar of wine in his left hand and in right hand,  an old diary. He glanced at it adoringly, as if eyeing old and good friends.

Tattered, time worn, and the pages dripped with drops of a thousand glasses of red wine from the nights when he indulged in reading it. They meant much to him, those pages.

They knew his darkest secrets, his deepest thoughts and his utmost desires. It was a part of him, and it was a part of him that should be kept secret no matter what happened.

There was, of course, places in the journal he dare not enter. They were dark and evil and he feared that they would rekindle fragments of his past so horrifying that they would taunt him in sleep and haunt him during his waking hours.

He missed being the young man who wrote in journals. Talking of places far off and magnificent, and of fondly writing of visiting them. He missed who he was.He was fresh faced, kind.... He was young, and foolish, too. Very foolish.

He let out a sigh, holding his hand up taking the jar of wine to his mouth,  he took a swill of the wine.  The buzz washing over his tongue, down his throat, and finally warming his belly.

Putting the jar aside , he hold the journal with both of his hands fighting in his mind whether he should read or not.

Finally giving in to his strong desire he opened the book.Flipping the pages one by one , reminiscing all of his past events. Until his hand came to a halt as his eyes caught a certain line in a certain page .

Fuck I love him.

Why him? Why him of all people?

His eyes. How, when the sun reflects against them, they leave a golden halo for me to see. I love the intense stare that he gives. But I hate it he gives the same state to others, I want those eyes on me forever, only me. Even if we stay as two sec leaders knowing each other. I can handle the pain of him not loving me as long as he keep looking at me that way.

Oh,god, I love his lips and how they forms an angelic whenever he talk. How every word comes out in a whine as if he is singing a melody .  I imagine the way he would kiss me. How delicious those lips would be against mine. I want it so bad. I want him so bad. Shit! I'm really messed up.

This may come as a surprise, but I love him more and more. I love his skin and his graceful slender hand. I love his jaw when it moves and his hair when it frizzes.

His lips curved up , forming a rare smile without his notice. Reading those things he thought how childish and embarrassing his thoughts were. But he likes it. He wants to feel those again.

A fresh feeling of falling in love for the first time. Not everyone gets the chance to meet the person that they truly loves, wants to give up their everything for that love. He is surely lucky, he got to have that feeling.

He flipped over some more pages then stopped again seeing a particular name of a person that he mentioned. The man who turned his whole life upside down with his existence. The man whom he can never forget.

Oh,  Lan Xichen,

What did you do to me?  I want you more than everything in this world. Please just be mine. All mine,. I’ll be all yours if you let me. Just don’t say no.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of you. Then I feel stupid but what can I do. Boys are not something I usually do. I can’t let my heart give in to you. You are my siren that calls me overboard. I am sinking . Sinking in what I feel for you. I would rather drown in my love for you than let it be. I am suffocating, Lan Xichen.