In The End Hate Me

Part 1: The key

Anders held the key tight in his hand; it represented everything he was on his way to throw away. He had felt so lonely like he had been drifting away into darkness and rage. Always on the move, always the guard up, caring but did not let anyone in. Anders had stalked the shadow from the time he merged with justice. Hawke had been a gentle ray of light, warm and welcoming. He had even returned to the deep roads for her and contacted the grey wardens.
Even thought Justice echoed in his head telling him to stay away he had been drawn to her like a moth to a flame and had been burned by passion and love.
Anders shuddered as he remembers her light warm touch against his skin. At first had he thought that he reacted so strongly to her just because she was a mage.
But with the years had he learned that she was so much more. She was hope, love and strength, he could heal physical wounds but she healed the very soul. He watched as people gathered around her, the once Fereldan refugee and now champion. She was like a heavy rain; washed away the dirt cleaned the air and brought life to the dry desert that was Kirkwall.
They were so different and he knew only sorrow waited if he stayed with her.
Justice had said that it was not right to lead her down the road of pain, not after everything she had lost. Anders had tried; oh he had tried to put distance between himself and Hawke. But selfish as he was had he in the end accepted her love and finally the key. She had given him so much, a new reason to live, hope and the feeling of being wanted and loved. He hated himself for keeping her in the dark and using her trust, for the hurt he was going to inflict her.
It would had been kinder to both of them if he had listened to Justice and ended it, or not even started anything.
He squeezed the key in his hand and gave it a light kiss before he left it on a table and headed out.