X-Men 1st Redemptions

27: X-traordinaries

Logan scowled. "I guess I don't like it when friends betray each other."

"Deeper," Shine said.

Logan winced. "Hard to say."

"Perhaps the evil you've done yourself. That's usually the hardest," Shine suggested.

Logan clenched a fist. "I guess you're right there. But you don't have that problem."

"I have it all the time," Shine said. "You shouldn't assume just because I have a stricter moral code than you that makes it easier--it makes it harder. An infraction you'd dismiss as a bad mood becomes a serious problem to me." She laughed. "Sometimes too much so. I have to tell myself that the other person probably wasn't even as bothered by it as I am myself. I can feel just as guilty as you. I have never thought guilt was in proportion to how bad our sins were, or we all couldn't feel guilty so often. Anything you're ashamed of, you feel the same. Enough pampering, and you'd feel bad about spitting gum on the sidewalk the same way most people would think of stealing. I've seen it worse than that."

She shook her head. "So, yes, I think we all know how you feel there. The others just don't talk about it."

"But it doesn't bother you," Logan said.

"Sometime it does," Shine said. "When I get weak, and I forget God's grace. Kurt would agree here, I'm sure. And Wally, well, this is a weekly occurrence for us when things go bad at his job. That guilt is real. He's getting better though. It's always good to have someone to remind you not to beat yourself up. You ought to get someone like that too, Logan."

Logan snorted in derision at that idea.

"When it happens, I tell myself to remember God's grace," Shine said. "You have to encourage yourself in the Lord, as David did. It's not just words, you know, when it gets inside you." She pointed to her chest. "It sticks, if you make sure to remember it. There is a point in everyone's life when they are beyond turning back. But it comes at a different time for each of us. Some people don't hit it till their on their deathbed. Others hit it when they're children. Only God knows what it is for us all. Perhaps evil people live so long for that reason--I know that the Bible certainly implies that's the case, because God hates to punish us, so He lets them live longer to avoid hell as long as they can. The fools don't thank Him for it, but so it goes."

She leaned back. "We, on the other hand, don't often get that luxury. Time is always urgent for us, too urgent to live in regrets, Logan. Remember what Kurt gave you? 'O Lord, I will praise you, though you were angry with me, your anger is turned away and You comfort me." [Isaiah 12:1. It's the passage Nightcrawler underlined for him in the episode with the same title.]

Logan was startled. "You really don't miss a thing."

"I could hardly miss the Bible," Shine said. "I love that chapter, actually. Do you remember how it goes on from there?"

She opened her Bible and read, "'Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid. For YAH, the LORD, is my strength and song; He also has become my salvation. Therefore with joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.'" [vv. 2-3]

Logan frowned. "Listen, lady, I admit, I liked that. It meant a lot to me. I think, for some, it works...but I still plummeted, even after that. I don't think it stuck. Maybe I'm just too far gone."

Shine looked at him intently. "I am not God, Logan, but if you were anywhere near that, I could tell. Even to a human, it's clear you're not that far gone."

Somehow that was actually kind of reassuring, but Logan fought it anyway.

"And what makes you so sure, sweetheart? No one ya talk to ever just doesn't get it?"