irl or mc: irl requested: yes! requested by: @Sp3nc3rMyB3lov3d prompt:
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CW: dysphoria slight cursing a bit of self degrading SUPER small mention of blood fluff <3 —
— Y/n POV —
a boy. all i can see when i look in the mirror is a boy. but i'm not a boy, im not, i'm not, i'm not!
i fixate my eyes on the glass mirror in front of me, emphasizing every flaw that makes me seem more masculine.
my small chest, my masculine build, my hair, my hands. everything is masculine. "why couldn't i have just been born a girl. WHY!?" i half yell, punching the wall next to me.
i'll never be a real girl. i'm a guy. i was born a guy. i'll never be a REAL girl. but it's not my fault i was born in the wrong body!
every time i go anywhere. it's always "mr." it's always "sir" it's always "he" ITS NEVER FUCKING SHE!
"I HATE MY BODY, I HATE IT, I HATE HOW MASCULINE I LOOK, I HATE HOW PEOPLE STILL CALL ME A BOY! I HATE HOW I CANT JUST BE A GIRL! I HATE THAT I HAVE TO STUFF BRAS TO PASS AS A GIRL! I HATE THAT I CANT JUST BE ME AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!" i yell at my reflection, hot tears pouring out my eyes.
my mind races through every time i've ever been mistaken for a boy.
my whole body starts involuntary rocking, while i repeat sentences to myself that make absolutely no difference in how i feel.
"i'm a girl, i'm a girl, im a girl, im a girl, im a girl."
i take my head out of my shaking hands, just long enough to look in the mirror again, and notice all my features that make me look like a boy.
"FUCK!" i yell, punching the mirror, causing it to crack, just enough to warp the look of my body. i feel warm liquid gently trickle down my fist, but i give no fucks. i don't care that i'm bleeding. i don't care that the mirror is broken. i don't care that my boyfriend, Jack will be getting home soon. the door is locked. he can't get in.
oh jack. "he probably hates me. he doesn't want to date a girl in a boys body. he doesn't want a useless girl just trying to pass as one. he doesn't love you, like you love him. he's only been spending time with you on stream. never alone. FUCK! WHY IS THIS SO HARD!" i scream, once again.
more hot tears fall out of my eyes uncontrollably, to the point that i give up trying to wipe them off my face. as soon as i do, they're just replaced by fresh ones.
i start to cover my chest with my hands. out of impulse, i run to my dresser, opening the top drawer and taking out a pair of socks.
i stuff them into my bra, trying to adjust it to look real. but it doesn't. it well never be real.
