The High Five

A Bright Flash

"I didn't mean to," Tayen said, horrified. "It's the arm. I can't always control it." She grabbed a towel and floated over to Vivian where she started to dab at the spot.

"I'll put an ice pack on it later," Vivian said. "It will make me look dramatic for my next sesh."

"I'm sorry," Tayen repeated.

"Apology accepted. But will you at least talk to me now? Otherwise, I'll have bashed my head for nothing."

"I told you. It's not something I can talk about."

"How about this then... I'll do the talking, and you can tell me if I'm getting warmer." She took Tayen's silence as acquiescence. "It's PTSD, isn't it? There's some triggering event, maybe a sudden, loud sound, that takes you back to the moment when you had your accident."

"No."

"Am I warm, at least? Did you witness something while you were in a war zone—Sudan, was it? You saw things you can never forget. Atrocities. Maybe someone close to you got killed before your eyes? I hear they used babies as bombs by hiding explosives in their diapers."

"Stop," Tayen said.

Vivian plowed on. "Were you kidnapped or tortured? I heard they put people in metal boxes so small they had to curl up in a ball. Then they dropped in spiders and ants to crawl over them. Or they left them out in the desert to cook alive."

"No, really, stop," Tayen repeated.

"Whatever those bad things were, it's not your fault they happened to you. The fact you're even here now shows just how strong you are, how much you can overcome. Most other people would have given up already. Look at me. Even if I had legs, I could never be a soldier. The very thought of violence terrifies me. I can't go anywhere near a gun."

"Just stop, ok!" Tayen finally broke. "You're only getting colder and colder. You don't know anything about me!"

"Then tell me," Vivian coaxed, backing off. "Help me understand."

Tayen pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes and shook her head.

Vivian reached out to pull her hands away but stopped herself. Tayen needed her shields. "Whatever you say, I'm not going to judge you or look down on you, I promise."

A minute passed before Tayen broke her silence. "All those things you said, I wouldn't know anything about them. I've never been in actual combat. I've never shot at anything other than a dummy target. I've never seen anyone die or even get seriously injured."

Then how did you get those scars? Vivian was careful not to ask. Sometimes the best listening was waiting.

Tayen breathed heavily into her chest. "I had only been in Khartoum a week. It was my first tour of duty, my first trip anywhere really. I went with some of the other new recruits to Tuti Island to get a taste of the local flavor. The others mostly wanted to get plastered, but I was hoping to visit the market and see the local artisans. I had never been to a foreign city, and Khartoum was like this other world full of sounds and smells I'd never experienced before. A corporal came along as our guide. We were walking on the outskirts of the market when I heard a whistle. I glanced over, and I saw two young boys running away down a side alley. There was this brittle clattering sound, and when I looked down, right there at my feet was a live grenade. And then I just froze.

"I know all the things I should have done. I should have kicked it away. It wasn't that crowded where we were. Chances are the blast wouldn't have gotten anyone. There may still have been time to pick it up and throw it out of harm's way. Or I could have shouted out and warned the others to take cover. As a last resort, I could have thrown myself over it so no one else got hurt. But I just stood there like a deer in the headlights. I don't know what came over me. I literally could not move a finger. Next thing I knew, the corporal—I don't even remember her name—was diving over it. She knocked me off my feet, and I hit the ground hard. There was this bright flash and a concussive sound. When I came to, I was in a hospital bed feeling numb all over. It didn't hurt, not yet. Two people died, including the corporal. But all I ever saw was the bright flash. Now do you understand?"

Vivian didn't know how to answer, so she didn't.

"The accident didn't make me this way," Tayen went on. "It happened because of the way I am. I'm the walking epitome of a coward. I freeze under pressure, always have. I was the girl who would never jump out of the treehouse when all the other kids did. I've tried to fight it, told myself to be brave, that I can do it, that I just have to try harder. But whenever the moment happens... I just can't. It's like I'm not in control of myself. And then those around me end up getting hurt." She paused to suck in air. "You know what the worst part is? I know that if it happened all over again, I would do exactly the same thing. So you should never trust me with your lives or anything else important."

Vivian reached out and pulled Tayen's hands away. She didn't resist. "Look at me, Tayen. I'm still here. Whatever this thing is you're dealing with, we'll figure this out together."

The skin around Tayen's eyes was flushed from the pressure of her palms, but her eyes were dry and hard as petrified wood. "What do I do? I can't go back to just being one of the crew. Not after this."

"I don't know," Vivian said honestly. "But you can start by dropping the tough-girl act."

* * *

Milo was waiting in a private chamber when Vivian arrived.

"Tay will come around," she told Milo. "She just needs time."

"I know. I didn't call you here to talk about Tayen."

"This is about me? What did I do, other than possibly save the ship?" It was meant tongue-and-cheek, but Milo wasn't smiling.

"Jess was kind enough to list out all the regulations you broke during your historic spacewalk. Here is the short version. You undertook a mission for which you were completely unprepared. You appropriated a spacesuit, impersonated another member of the crew, and furthermore nearly gave your acting captain a heart attack. Such a performance will not be repeated."

"I'm not being punished, am I?" Vivian asked.

"Depends how you look at it," Milo said. "I'm assigning you to intensive spacewalk training. You will learn the safety regs by heart and understand the difference between a force grappler and a torque wrench. The next time we need to do a spacewalk, you will be completely over-prepared. Is that clear?"

"You want me to take over spacewalks?"

"Do you have any objection?"

Vivian tried to keep her eagerness from showing through. Fear of dying aside, the spacewalk had been exhilarating. She couldn't wait to do it again. "None whatsoever."

"There's one more thing. I know this will be very difficult for you, but I must insist that you comply."

Vivian could only stare dumbly at Milo for a moment. When had words like objection and comply become a part of his vocabulary? "Of course. What is it?"

"You can't say a word about this on your stream. Not a peep. Any discrepancies with the official version would have negative consequences for the team and certain individuals in particular. For the record, during the time of the spacewalk, you were preparing for you next sesh."

"What about the logs and video footage?"

"Bobby tells me a few files were corrupted during the course of the spacewalk. It happens on an old beater like this. Cosmic rays and all that. Any more questions?"

"How's Jake?"

"Fine, I suppose. I haven't talked to him in a couple days."

"Oh, I would have thought..." She looked closely at Milo, noticing what she hadn't seen before. "Never mind. No more questions, captain."