The Not So Grand Adventure

Getting sucked into my cellphone was the last thing I expected at midday on a Friday while I sat feeling sorry for myself.  Still, nobody would miss me for the next twenty-four hours.  I had turned in my latest assignment for the newspaper the night before, and my friends were out of town attending the marriage of my ex-girlfriend to my younger sister.  

I reached up and felt my face.  Seemed human enough.  The lightning-fast trip through my electronic device appeared not to have turned me into a collection of pixels, although I wasn't exactly a genius when it came to technology.

I was pulled from my thoughts by an attractive female voice.  

"Welcome to Planet Earth Sample 2202," it said.

So far, so good.  It matched the message that had started this whole adventure.

"You have been selected via random lottery to attend an exclusive tour of this idyllic paradise," it continued.  "Prepare for an experience beyond your wildest dreams."

I scoffed.  It was a bold claim.  Still, I resolved to push my cynicism to one side.  My career as a journalist and my experience with prejudice had taught me that it was best to approach the unknown with a completely open mind.

I searched around for the source of the voice, but I was completely alone.  As if reading my thoughts, it spoke again.

"We are giving you complete flexibility to explore at your leisure.  Simply speak the word 'Initialise' and a map will appear.  All available destinations are within moderate walking distance."

I frowned.  It must be a pretty tiny planet if I could go everywhere on foot.

"Before you set off, a brief history of the Planet Earth Project."

My ears pricked up.  This was what I wanted to know.  Why was I here, and where exactly was 'here'?

"As you know, the Earth's resources are depleting rapidly, and disease is ravaging the human population. Those of us here at the Project are committed to exploring a new way for us all to live digitally, outside of the confines of physical space, while travelling through the universe aboard a state-of-the-art intergalactic craft."

I nodded slowly.  The concept sort of made sense, even if I had no idea how it all worked.

"Sample 2202 is a sample of the world we believe we can create aboard this spaceship before Earth becomes uninhabitable.  Please take your time exploring your surroundings, and if you encounter any difficulties along the way, speak the word 'Assistance' and help will appear."

Everything went quiet, and the silence had an air of finality.  I supposed that was all the context I was going to get.  Still, it was enough for me to understand roughly what I had jumped headfirst into.  I decided not to waste any time.

"Initialise" I said loudly, feeling a little foolish.

Luckily, as promised, a digital map immediately appeared in front of me with an interactive compass in the corner.  I scoured it with interest.  If I headed north first, I would be able to visit Niagara Falls, then stop off at the Eiffel Tower on my way east to the Great Wall of China.

A light breeze ruffled my long hair, and I glanced up.  It was a clear, bright day.  The temperature was comfortable, and I sent a silent prayer to the heavens that it stayed that way, and my experience would not include four seasons in one day for added authenticity.  My cotton summer dress would provide very little protection against the elements.

I wondered if they'd put on some refreshments along the way.  Maybe my current form did not need sustenance.  I peered more closely at the map.  A few of the symbols resembled a knife and fork, and others said 'WC'.  I guess that answered that question.

A sudden thought occurred to me.  Maybe alcohol was available?  I really fancied a gin and tonic.  My mood brightened considerably as I picked up my feet and set off in the direction of the first refreshment marker near the Statue of Liberty.  I had already seen the monument in real life.  She was very impressive, albeit not my type.  Still, it wouldn't hurt to visit her incarnation in this world.  I could compare the two.  Perhaps here she would be wearing trousers.  It was the twenty-first century after all.

***

At two minutes past midday on Saturday, I sat alone in my apartment, my head in my hands.  My brain felt like cotton wool, and my mouth was as dry as the Sahara.

On my arrival at the Statue of Liberty refreshment stop, I had been delighted to find a fully stocked, presumably free, bar.  I helped myself to a few gins, then several glasses of wine, before deciding I needed something to soak up the alcohol.  Ten packets of peanuts later, I was ready to sample the extensive cocktail menu.

From what I could recall, over the course of the next several hours I had challenged myself to recite the alphabet backwards while performing a headstand, loudly serenaded Lady Liberty with Adele's greatest hits, vomited into a nearby bin, and attempted to scratch my initials into the bottom of the great lady's carefully sculpted dress (alas, no trousers).  Then, as the moon looked down on me disapprovingly, I had passed out under a convenient tree.

When I woke up, the sun was already high in the sky, and I only had time for a quick visit to the ladies' toilets before I was evicted from Sample 2202 and deposited back on my sofa after the twenty-four hours were complete.

I groaned.  What a colossal waste of an opportunity.  In a long history of epic fails, this had to be one of the worst.  Still, I had always been a glass half-full sort of person.  It was definitely more fun than attending the wedding would have been.  Yes.  Looking at it that way, it was perhaps not such a bad thing after all.