Ghost of You

t w e n t y

My breath rattled, the words coming out of my shakily. 

"And I can see it." I confessed. "I can see this heading in a bad direction but I just- I can't... I don't think I could even get myself to end it anymore, even if I wanted to. I think- I think I'm starting to..."

I felt like a coward, not even being capable of saying the truth of how deeply Steve had made a mark on me. Lifting my head to look up at Nat, I saw the reflection of what I had become on her face and in her posture. Hopeless. Defeated.

"You have feelings for him?" She asked, her eyes serious and troubled.

I couldn't get myself to speak the words into existence, as if saying them out loud would make my already present and growing feelings towards Steve more real than they already were. But that's exactly what they were. Real. They were so real that when I had tried to force myself to remember why I had ever hated him in the first place, absolutely nothing came to mind. I had even resorted to reading over the list I had written, collecting every grievance, every word spoken that had once made my my blood boil. And I felt nothing. Now that I was through that stage and on the other side, none of it seemed so bad. It should have been, but it just wasn't.

In my silence, Nat gathered the truth. She let out a huffed breath, sinking backwards onto the couch.   

"I'm sorry." I apologized, hoping the sincerity of it was evident in the tone of my voice. Before I could stop myself I had begun to full-on ramble.

"You warned me this would happen and I didn't listen. I messed up. You knew it, and Sam knew it and I ignored it and now things have gone to far. I mean what I am supposed to do? What the hell am I supposed to do now? I can't-"

"Okay, calm down honey." Nat interrupted what would have probably been an hour long monologue describing every way in which I had managed to fuck up my life even more. "It's not a crime to have feelings for someone. You haven't done anything wrong."

She moved her hand and started to pat the space on the couch next to her. I got up from the armchair, moving over to the sofa and sitting sideways so that I could face her. 

"It's just that I'm so confused. Things between us have changed. He's acting different and I'm acting different." I explained. "But he's always been so clear about the rules of our arrangement. I'm not allowed to ask anything of his past or expect anything from his future."  

Nat went to respond before her mouth snapped shut, apparently changing her mind about how she had wanted to reply to this statement. There was something hidden in her expression, some thought she had tucked away, unwilling to share. 

"When we were upstate with Clint's family, Steve told me he wasn't a guy who did feelings but that when he was around me he wanted to be a guy who did." I added. "I never thought I would reciprocate that, but now I think I understand what he was getting at."

"But I don't think you really do." Nat replied. "I mean maybe in your own way you understand what it's like to both want and not want to have feelings for someone, but not in the way Steve does."

She bit her lip for a moment, appraising me. 

"I know you and Steve have your rules. I know you said you didn't want to know about Steve's past, but I think we are past the point of pretending what you're doing with Steve is working, aren't we?" She asked. "You need clarity, and insight into Steve's past and learning why he is the way he is might give you that."

"I don't know..." I shook my head. "It feels wrong, like I'd be going behind his back." 

Nat rolled her eyes.