Conversations With Myself

12/28/2021

Do you ever wish he could see these?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't

Why only sometimes?

Because I realize that even if he were to see these, it wouldn't change anything. Not a single thing about how he feels about me, or Tori. Not a single thing about how the future I thought we were going to share and not his answer. So, even if these explain how I feel better than what I can say in words and show that you guys do exist in my head, even though there's not enough fonts to show all of y'all I think, him seeing these mean literally nothing. It's just us going back and forth cause I like to argue with myself and question everything about myself.

Oh..

Yeah, Like I know he got annoyed with all of us, some more than others, but I never really got to physically feel what you guys were feeling. It was more like what we're doing now.
Words on paper really, I heard everything, and could see everything, but the words coming out of my mouth weren't mine, the actions my body was doing weren't my own either. So yes, while I was the one who said yes when he asked me out and the like, first 2-3 months were me, you all wanted to be with him too, so I just stood back and let it happen. Being the main host doesn't matter if you all give me a freaking headache.

I'm sorry, it's our fault he broke up with you, it's our fault you're sitting here crying for the past few days, we should've never existed in the first place.

Hey, come on now, it's fine. Really it is! Just goes to show that he wasn't the one for us if he couldn't love us all okay?

But you love him so much! Most of us do! I love him too!

I know you do, and it's fine to feel this way for now okay? I really do love him, and would give him just about anything as long as it was in my abilities to do so, but sometimes words mean nothing.

But you can't listen to music, you can't watch anime, you can't play almost any of the games you have, and, you can't go anywhere you like to go to have fun like you normally did!

Yes, I know I can't do any of that stuff, but that's just for right now okay? One day I'll get over it, we all will, it's just going to hurt for a while.

This isn't fair to you! You're the one he loved most! He didn't even tell you no! You're not the one he even broke up with! It was one of us! But he doesn't even know that! You were the one who would play with his hair and rub his back when he couldn't sleep! All those nights you stayed up in case he woke up and needed something, you were the one fronting! You were the one who was more than okay with him playing video games! You are the one who never asked for anything when we went shopping! You are the one who can order their own food! You are the one who isn't all touchy feely. You are the one who he fell in love with! Not us! Then we went and fucked everything up!

You're right, he doesn't know that, and he doesn't need to. Like I said, he just wasn't the one for us if he couldn't love all of us okay?

You're lying and you know it!

I'm not lying at all.

Then why are you crying!?

Well I never said that it wasn't going to hurt. Trust me, it hurts emotionally more than anything I've ever experienced, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I mean think about it, you all tried your best to get him to change his mind and nothing worked, I don't know why you think I'd be able to do anything.

Because you're the one he fell in love with!!

He made his decision, and that's that. I'm not going to keep going back to him, or keep telling him that I'm willing to wait, after he told me no. I'm not going back to someone who in less than 3 months found someone else to like, found someone else to replace me. But I mean, he's the one who broke up with me so what was I expecting?

But you tried so hard to please him in every way! You started to eat more in hopes that it'd make you curvy! You faced our stupid fear of needles to get that birth control implant in your arm so that he wouldn't have to worry about condoms anymore! You stayed up so many nights for his sake! You gave him everything he asked for if you could! How could he leave you like this!?

Sometimes, it's just not enough.. Sometimes you'll just never be enough for the person you want to be with most. He found someone who's his type, I can't be angry at him for doing the same thing I did.

What do you mean?

He found a girl more his type, just like how I thought he was my type, simple really.

But it's like he did it so easily.

Yeah, because it is easy for him to find girls who are more his type than me, they all run to him, I was always the odd one out, you know this.

Yeah but still!

Still nothing, okay? Just from now on, when it comes to being in a relationship, the one the person fell in love with should front so that we won't go through this again, and make sure he's going to love all of us okay? Some of us got to be too much for DeMartre and that's why he broke up with us and found someone else.

Okay..