Epiphany | Johanna Mason

Chapter Twenty

"I don't think I can do it," Odette whispered. "Not anymore."

Johanna had no idea what the woman was talking about. "What?"

"Kill," she admitted, lifting her head from her shoulder.

"You've done it before," of course it wouldn't be easy, but survival rarely was. "When you have to, you will."

Odette laughed softly, without humor. "It's so different now,"

"How so?" But she knew. They were going in again, which made everything different. They knew what the consequences would be now. Perhaps Johanna could do with another few nightmares, but Odette couldn't. She'd always been... soft. She'd thought that was a strength, but in the arena, it would be her biggest weakness.

She hesitated before answering, drawing her knees up to her chest, and fiddling a loose piece of hair around her finger. "I have no chance this time."

That was surprising. Johanna had expected a moral speech about how she liked most people in there, how she couldn't deal with more blood on her hands. Johanna hadn't thought about any of that. Not about killing people she knew, not about people she liked being killed. "You don't know that."

"You really see a victor in me? Compared to you? Finnick? Even Blight?" Odette wasn't like any of them, and that was the reason Johanna liked her. It wouldn't make her win, but she was never going to be alone there.

"You don't have to be tough and a good fighter to be a victor, you just need some good allies," she grinned at her, hoping to ease the frown off her face. "You've got at least one of those."

Her hands vanished in her hair, pulling more strands loose as she sighed into her knees. "It doesn't matter," she said into her own skin. "If I win, that'd mean you are... I can't win."

"So you're giving up then?" Johanna was surprised by the anger that ran through her. "I thought you were a lot of things, but weak was never one of them."

"It's not weak," she tried. "It's realistic."

The burning pit in her stomach grew. Odette was giving up before she'd even started, all based on something that had happened years ago. Because she didn't want Johanna to die. "It's not! You have no idea what'll happen in there," she bolted upright, shifting to face Odette. She was looking away, her hair obscuring the expression on her face. "I won't listen to you talking about dying, and absolutely not because you think you can't live without me. That's bullshit."

Or perhaps it was just so unfair. Odette would rather die than see Johanna die. She looked away from Odette, throwing her feet over the edge of the bed and resting her head in her hands. Everything sucked. There finally was something good in her life and it got ripped from her again. Someone cared about her, Johanna hadn't thought that was even possible anymore. She cared for her, and at least one of them would die.

Johanna didn't want to die, and despite what Odette said, she didn't believe she actually wanted to die. The bed shifted, and Johanna thought Odette was going to leave. It would certainly be easier if she did, but she didn't want her to.

But then she was there, beside her, thigh pressed against hers, her hands twisting together. For a long moment, she didn't speak, and neither did Johanna, but the anger smoothened, and she was perfectly okay with sitting together. "Did you know I died already?"

That was unexpected. "What?" Johanna looked at Odette, who looked almost peaceful again, a gentle smile on her face.

She chuckled, glancing back at her hands. "Yeah, on the operating table," she spoke as if she was talking about what she did last week, rather than dying. "They had to get my heart beating again. Push air into my lungs because they wouldn't work on their own," she looked back at Johanna, her face contorted in a way Johanna didn't understand. "I should have died, Johanna. I know I've been on borrowed time, it's time to give it back."

"It's time you were given," but while Odette was far from stubborn she knew her opinion on this would keep standing. "A second chance. It should make you want to fight more." There was no anger in her voice anymore. After all that, she was just glad Odette hadn't died and she'd gotten to know her. Perhaps that was just another weak thought Odette woke in her.

"Fight for what? A mother I'm losing? A district that's going to shit? Letting the capitol use me?" There wasn't enough time to unpack any of that, even if Johanna had wanted this terrible conversation to continue. "I have very little left and you're in the center of it. Surviving would mean losing you, and I don't think-" Odette stopped herself, snapping her mouth shut and looking down.

Johanna didn't know what to say. It was apparent she'd spent a lot of time thinking about... well, what it meant to be back in there. Johanna hadn't. She hadn't thought about losing the few people she cared about and didn't want to start now. She wanted to stick to her point; Odette was being ridiculous and she should never have said anything at all. What came out of her mouth was nothing like that at all. "I don't want to lose you, either."

Because that's what it all boiled down to, wasn't it? Odette smiled sadly at her, resting her head on Johanna's shoulder. She closed her eyes, trying to just stop thinking and enjoy the moment. That had never been her strength, though, and she couldn't help but think about how shitty it all was. Finally, she'd allowed something good to be in her life, and now, if she wanted to live, she had to lose it. Lose her.

And Odette's words still ran through her mind. She was willing to die, just so Johanna could live. She'd never thought of her as the suicidal type, Johanna didn't believe she was, which made it so much worse.

"Don't laugh at me," came Odette's voice. She spoke softly and didn't move. Johanna was glad she didn't, because her weight on her was comforting, her cheek was warm, and her hair smelled like apples.

"Are you about to say something stupid?"

Odette laughed softly, her hands wringing together again. "Possibly," she admitted, lifting her head anyway. She paused, looking at her. She seemed to hesitate, searching for words or courage. When she took Johanna's face between her hands, she sucked in a breath. Her fingertips were cold. "I love you," Odette whispered, and a part of Johanna waited for the 'but'. Surely, there should be one. Surely, she was not worthy of Odette's love. Odette, who smelled like apples and the stars, who looked like comfort in human form. There came no but. "No matter what happens, Johanna. I promise."

She looked at her with softness in her eyes, without expectations. Johanna couldn't breathe, but she wasn't sure if that was a problem. Odette loved her. It shouldn't be the most outlandish thing she'd ever heard, but she had trouble believing it. Odette loved her. It was terrifying and too much and too little and how could she possibly lose her now?

What was she supposed to do? Did she love her? That certainly was too much to think about, even if she wanted to. Odette still didn't expect anything, but Johanna could see the doubt in her eyes, in the way her gentle smile turned a little harder.

She couldn't say it back, words had never been her strength, so she did what she could, leaning in to press her lips against hers, pulling her closer by the waist. She didn't imagine the relieved sigh Odette released. She held her a bit tighter, hoping her actions were clear enough. 

･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.