Letters to Elif

The First letter

She's been gone for months. He pushed her away, or more accurately he screamed at her to "get out of my life". Thinking back to it now makes him wince. Ada ripped out out his heart with her lies, in front of everyone, but he did regret his reaction. He lashed out. But how could she lie about such a thing? For months. She had so many opportunities to say something. He had thought that the graduation lie hurt them enough but... No! Stop. Stop thinking about her. Every time he thought about it all it's wasn't long before he sank back into the darkness again.
But he cannot wallow on the emptiness of his heart. He have endured worse losses. At least, Ada is somewhere out there, living. Breathing. I will get through this.
Elif is struggling enough with the absence of Ada and her family, he can't let her see his pain too. He must be present and show her that things will be ok, they can be happy.
"Prense" Bora calls as he enters her empty room. She must be downstairs with my father. They have certainly become closer since... no. I will not dwell.
He turns to go find them when the state of Elif's desk stops him, she is her mother's daughter. Bora's dear sister could never keep anything tidy either. Bora hesitates, he may not be able to control major things in life but he can certainly put the desk in order. He is there anyway and it will could just make him feel a little better. As he starts moving the drawings to one side and putting the pencils away, his eyes catch a stack of envelopes hidden beneath what looks like homework. His heart lurches. He would know her writing any where.
"Elif canim,
Seni çok özledim..."

The door bangs open as Elif skips in with Zeyfer trailing behind her. "Dayir! Hoşgeldin, nasılsın?" she sings.
"Bora, oğlum how was work?"
Bora's mind is too preoccupied to process their questions. Ada has written to Elif. Many times judging by the stack of letters. When did it start? How have I not noticed this? What does she say? I wonder how she is. Sakin ol Bora. You're spiralling. Sakin ol.
"Dayir?" Elif's eyes are drift to Bora's hand "you found Ada abla's letters". She quickly looks at her grandfather, who is observing Bora closely trying to gauge his reaction. "Dede, I forgot to put them away." Panic floods Elif's expression as her eyes rapidly flick between Bora's face and the letter he is gripping onto, "you're not mad are you Dayir?"
"Hayir... hayir dayircim. I am not mad. I'm just a little surprised. When did Ada start writing to you?"
Elif let's out the breath she was holding, clearly relieved but the worry is still present in her eyes, "She left me the first letter the day they went back to Bursa." A loving smile spreads across her face as she says "I get one every week and Dede has been helping me reply"
Zeyfer had not being expecting Elif to be so honest and chokes in shock. Seeing Bora's expression immediately makes him feel guilty so he quickly changes the topic. Zeyfer hurries Elif to bed "allah allah look at the time" he is aware it is not subtle and Bora clearly knows he is trying to avoid the subjects but he also knows Bora will not question it in front of Elif. Reluctantly, Bora allows himself to be shooed out of the room. However, before leaving he kisses Elif good night, gently placing the letter down on her night stand. As much as he wants to, it isn't his to take, none of them are.
.............

Lying in bed his thoughts and memories of Ada surround him. He can see her face so clearly from the night they almost got caught. Her wet hair, lying next to him in his T-shirt. He can still feel her finger tips exploring his back, tracing the curves of his shoulder blades. He rolls over and is confronted by the ghost of her that is curled in his arms, her scent heavy in his nose. He is commonly haunted by memories of Ada but tonights are stronger than normal and will not be suppressed. What has Ada been writing to Elif? He needs to read them, he needs to know what she says, how she is.
He rolls over to sit on the edge of his bed. The letters are calling to him. Even if they are the tiniest connection to Ada, it is something. Something for him to hang on to. Everyone has been avoiding mentioning her when they are around Bora. The most he knows is that she is alive and living in Bursa. Which he only knows because Ali and his bride-to-be Selin have been to visit her a few times. He needs to know more. Just because he hasn't forgiven her doesn't mean he doesn't care or has stopped loving her. He needs to read those letters. Bora lifts his head from his hands and starts to make his way to the door when he hears a light knock.
"Dayir" Elif whispers through the key hole.
When Bora opens the door, Elif is standing there clutching a stack of letters, which have been lovingly tied together with one of Ada's headscarfs.
"Princess? What are you doing up?"
Elif lifts her hands up, presenting the letters to her uncle, for him to take.
"I wanted to give you these. Ada abla said that if you asked I should tell you. Dede said I should keep them hidden from you for a while, until you are ready." She tilts her head and looks Bora up and down. "I think you're ready" She pushes the letters into his hands and pulls him down to her level. "Iyi geceler" she says and with a kiss on his cheek she turns and marches back to her room. This leaves Bora crouched, holding the letters and utterly dumbfounded. His darling niece will rule the world one day, of this he is sure.
In a daze, Bora traces his thumb over every letter of their address as sits back down on his bed. He missed her writing.
He takes a long deep breath, gathering all his strength. He pulls the letter from the envelope, unfolds it and runs his hand over the page. He begins to read the first letter, again.
"Elif canim,
Seni çok özledim. I would have liked to have said goodbye to you in person, to give you a big hug and a kiss, but I think it would be best if I stay away. I have lots of things to be sorry about Elif and I'm overly sure where to start. I am sorry for that night I interrupted dinner, I know it upset you and I didn't want you or your dayir find out like that... but in the end keeping secrets was killing me and the truth needed to be out. I wouldn't be surprised if you have throw this letter away, as I am sure you and your family hate me now. First I reject your uncle's proposal, then I continue to hurt him, again and again. It can't have been nice seeing us that night. I am sorry. But if you do read it all, thank you.
I leave for Bursa tomorrow, Aslan needs to return to his job and I must accompany my aunts. I will be staying there for a while to get my self together. Please don't think that us leaving does not mean we love you any less, it doesn't. I know they will all miss you dearly, as I will. I can't imagine not seeing your smile on a daily basis.

I sold my flat. So please don't go back there looking for me or Aslan. I would hate for you to be disappointed or in any trouble if you do try looking for us.
I love you Elifcim and will miss you so so much.
Be good at school. Remember that your uncle will always be there for you, he loves you unconditionally. Please take care of him. I will think of you both often. All the time. When l look at the stars. Bake a cake. I will think of you both constantly and send good wishes.
Love you always,
Ada

Ps. I would love for you to write back but I would understand if you don't want to have any contact with me. "

He read and reread it, tracing every line. There were tear stains near the bottom that caused a stabbing feeling in his chest and he could feel his throat constricting. He could hear her voice as he read it, feel her guilt and sorrow. But most of all he could feel her deep love for Elif and for him... allah kahretsin he misses her so much.