Rudolph and Hermey: Die Hard

DIE HARD

It was the night of the big Christmas party. Rudolph flew to the tallest skyscraper in the North Pole after a long night of scouting for Santa Claus. It was his job this year to evaluate the Christmas cheer of every good child in the world.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer sits up in the front of the limousine, which is driven by none other than Buddy the Elf.

"What brings you here, Rudolph? Cant you just fly?"

"I only got," Rudolph said in a thick New York accent. He hacked up a gumdrop and cleared his throat. "I only got six months' worth of Magic carrots from Santa for my mission," he said in his normal voice. "I'm here for Christmas, though."

"Oh, I see," Buddy said with an enthusiastic nod as he swerved around a bundle of Christmas trees. "Got anyone to visit while you're here? Besides the big man, of course..."

"My husband's here," Rudolph admitted, "but..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Buddy shouted as they went through an ice tunnel.

"Whoa whoa, there!" Rudolph exclaimed, holding on tightly to the handle above the door.

"Oh sorry, tunnels really excite me, but I'm scared of the dark," Buddy said. "What were you saying?"

"My husband's here, with the kids, but I'm not staying with them," Rudolph said with a sigh, his ears flattening down.

"Ah, that's too bad. Oh, look, we're here!" Buddy squealed and clapped his hands.

"Thanks man. I'll pay you to stay here to wait for me. I don't plan on staying long," Rudolph said.

"Okay! Have fun!" Buddy said.

Rudolph got upstairs to the business Christmas party.

Hermey was talking to some of the other elves when Rudolph walked up. He gasped.

"Hi, Hermey," Rudolph said.

"Rudolph! I hadn't seen you in so long..."

Rudolph offered a hug, and Hermey hugged him. Rudolph couldn't help but notice a couple of tough-looking elves basking around. They weren't part of the conversation, and he could barely see guns tucked in their pants.

"We need to catch up," Hermey said. "Can we go talk somewhere in private?"

"Sure," Rudolph said. Hermey pulled Rudolph past an office door with his name and a red and green candy cane on it. It wasn't the candy cane that Rudolph had given him.

Hermey pulled Rudolph into the bathroom. "Hey, where are you staying while you're here?"

"Thought I'd just go to a motel."

"Why don't we make this easier? There's a spare room at the house that you can use. The kids would really like for you to stay. I would, too."

Rudolph shifted.

Sam the snowman and S.D. Kluger burst in, sniffing each other for a moment before seeing Rudolph and Hermey, leaving the room with apologies.

"You didn't take my candy cane," Rudolph finally burst out.

"I thought we had the matter settled six months ago, Rudolph."

"You're my husband."

"We both know exactly what kind of husband you expected."

Rudolph huffed. "It's stupid."

"Okay," Hermey sighed. "I'm going back to the party."

Rudolph let him out and then started to try to freshen himself up, taking off his sweaty shirt and shoes to change his sweaty socks. He knocked his antlers against the mirror, chiding himself for being a jerk.

"EVERYBODY DOWN ON THE FLOOR THIS IS A HOSTAGE SITUATION!" someone shouted. There were screams and the round of a machine gun went off

Thinking quickly, Hermey burst through an air vent and started making his way through.

He reached an empty room to try the phone. The line was dead. He made it for the air vent again and went through.

He crawled through until he reached a corporate room with voices.

"Hans Grincher, you will end up on the naughty list if you don't put a stop to this," none other than Santa Claus said.

Rudolph could just barely make out a furry green figure.

There was a low chuckle. "It's all too simple. Give into my demands, and you and your elves will be freed."

"Never."

Gunshots. Santa slumped over.

Rudolph stuffed his hoof into his mouth to keep from gasping. He began to climb his way out.

He reached a stairwell, only to be met by a burly elf. He held a machine gun and had a walkie-talkie up to his ear. "Chutney here, boss. Once I get out of here, I'll contact Amazon for ya. Roger out."

Rudolph froze behind Chutney. The elf turned and froze.

"Tsk tsk. What do we have here?" He positioned his machine gun at Rudolph.

"A reindeer, mothertrucker!" Rudolph thrust the machine gun into Chutney's jaw and punched and kicked him. Rudolph got a hold on the machine gun and blasted Chutney.

When Chutney was down, Rudolph grabbed the walkie-talkie.

"Hey, listen here, mothertrucker," Rudolph hissed into it.

"Who is this, some sort of cowboy?" Grincher said.

"My name is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I hace a red and white candy-cane. You killed Santa. Prepare to die."

"You cannot defeat me, cowboy."

"YIPPEE-KI-YAY, MOTHERTRUCKER!"

Rudolph then fought his wait tooth and hoof through the building. He contacted Santa's guard, who got in to rescue the hostages as Rudolph picked off Hans Grincher's elves one-by-one and two-by-two and three-by-three. The author does not remember enough of the tale to tell it.

Finally, Rudolph and Hermey were finally reunited.

Hans Grincher rose up in green fury before they could make it to the helicopter. "I OWN Christmas now, no matter what you do, cowboy," he spat.

"YIPPEEKIYAY MOTHERTRUCKER!" Rudolph shouted as he kicked Hans off the building.

Then he and Hermey made out for five minutes before climbing into the helicopter. When they were brought to the ground, Santa Claus greeted them.

"I thought you were dead!" Rudolph said, giving him a hug.

"Ah, that was a body double! I had suspected that Grincher would be up to his old tricks. His heart has always been three sizes too small."

"Santa! I'm so glad you're alive!" Hermey said, still clinging onto Rudolph.

"Let's get out of here, babe!" Rudolph said, pulling her into Buddy's limo. "Step on it!"

And they rode away into the night as Christmas music blared.

The End.