Christine had just continued to drink, taking the bottle of gin out onto the balcony with her and sitting out their in cool night air, she could feel the refreshing and icy English winter sweeping in, wondering how cold it actually was since it was December but it phased her less due to the alcohol, she managed to still feel warm as the gin ran through her veins and she took a drag of the cigarette, she didn't care she hadn't quit smoking, she'd been close to quitting all her vices back in the eighties and early nineties when she had been trying to fix things with Stevie but as the time went on and Stevie seemed to move on either with her career or her own self destructing, Christine hadn't seen the point in behaving or trying to be sober, she'd long known she was an addict but she guessed she could function and hide it so it didn't matter and no one had ever seemed to care that much about her anyway, she had always been trying to look after everyone else that no one had ever really looked after her, not that she minded, that was how it was and anyway she figured she was in control of herself, she'd fucked up so much, so many times that she didn't see or need to try not too anymore, especially now she was alone anyway, she needed to get serotonin somewhere, she couldn't get it from Stevie and couldn't be bothered trying with anyone else, so she'd rather get it from a bottle or a cigarette, occasionally a joint or some good old gold dust.
She was stuck in her own rabbit hole and she knew that, but it was getting harder to find the will to try and get out, she knew things had gotten bad, she'd hadn't even bothered venturing outside of her house for several months because she just couldn't be bothered, she couldn't really put a finger on why, she wondered if she was just giving up on life because every day felt like groundhog day, she regretted leaving Fleetwood Mac those years ago, she'd try to stay, even after Stevie left, she'd even worked on making another album with the band even after Stevie rode off into the sunset, she'd done it in hopes of bringing her back, in hopes Stevie would see the songs she wrote were about her, but as always Stevie seemed to ignore her attempts to get noticed, she was too busy to be there, for a relationship, for anyone but herself and her family Christine supposed and she still clearly never wanted to be true to herself, Christine forgave her though, she still blamed herself for everything that had spiralled between them and she'd left the band so Stevie could come back to it if she desired, she didn't want to be the one to chase the woman she loved from something she loved doing and she knew everyone seemed to prefer Stevie over her, the fans, the rest of the band, it had always been that way and always would be so Christine just felt unwanted and pointless, especially now all she had was her glass.
She glanced to the balcony railing as she downed the rest of the drink, pouring straight gin into as the refill and just fighting off the same repetitive thoughts of maybe just ending things.
She did have her dark moments, she had her whole life, she just hid them, but she recalled so many times where it was hard to hide them, why she used to get so into performing "I'm So Afraid!" with the band, she related to the lyrics and in ways she related to Lindsey's dark side too, she might have joked and laughed most of her way through life but no one really knew her, the closest person that did was Stevie and Mick, but not even they knew everything and she regretted letting them in even that much, Mick had written things she didn't approve of in his auto-biography and Stevie had gossiped about her private business with her mother and annoying Karen who had seemed to think she was Stevie's sister and guard dog, Christine still felt betrayed at times but her own guilt hurt more.
She then began contemplating a way to try and get Stevie's attention properly again, time was seeming to run out, they were getting older and Christine had her own health concerns, she was also just sick of waiting, a little break had seemed to be a million lifetimes, she couldn't wait any longer and the urges of flying over and stalking Stevie were getting stronger, but she also still wanted to respect her wishes and leave her alone, she didn't want to upset her and she knew Stevie had her own severe struggles and issues and still, Stevie's feelings had and would always matter more than hers, she wondered though if falling off her balcony would attract the attention of the rock goddess, she then felt bad for even thinking that way, that would be shitty and desperate and more like something Lindsey would do to get Stevie's attention, she was just sick of how she was sure so many people, herself, Lindsey and many of Stevie's other former flames constantly tried to get Stevie's attention, maybe she really had become a self centered heartbreaker and the sweet innocent angel she was once was truly gone, that hurt Christine too, she knew the way the cruel world ruined people and she knew in a way that had happened to Stevie, she had always been too soft for the world and had seemed to lock her emotions away in a vault with her shawls and secret songs.
The tears couldn't be fought off any longer though as Christine's thoughts and tug of war in her mind brought her same emotions to slide down her cheeks, she'd cried the most tears of Stevie and had the most sleepless and suicidal nights over her more so than anyone, she just wanted to try and voice her feelings for the songstress, even just once more before she fully continued to lose herself and as she looked up at the night sky, the moon seemed to agree with her as it beamed back at her, the moon that Stevie had always adored and loved, Christine tried to recall her own mother believing in all mystical things, signs from the universe and all those whacky things and she wanted to believe in something greater out there, despite being cynical, her mothers words still echoed through her mind even after all those years and the fact she had once said in one of final premonitions that Christine would find happiness at Orange Grove, which later turned out to be where Stevie and Lindsey had been living upon meeting them, Christine knew deep down, if love, soulmates and any of that was real, Stevie was hers and she couldn't give up, so many nights that little voice and those little omens kept her going, Stevie had to come back to her, she felt they were still destined to be together if she made it to the pearly gates, she'd only want to have Stevie by her side someday forever in the next thousand lifetimes and that urged her to put the lid on the bottle of gin.
"In the meantime, I will wait for you!" She said up to the moon, almost as though it was a way to talk to Stevie, she was set on giving it one more final attempt before she just gave up, she had to try, Stevie and what they once had would always be worth fighting for, even if every day felt like suffering, she thought back to eighty four, when she'd made an album to try and get Stevie's attention, release all her pent up emotions into songs and that had worked "I'm making another album!" She then said like something in her had been re-ignited, she always thought best when she was under the influence and she figured that was when if the universe communicated with her, that was the only time she was mellow and chilled enough to let it.
With that, she grabbed her bottle and glass and stumbled back inside the house, she was going to make a call, she was making an album and she was going to get Stevie's attention.
