Dark on Me

Song recommendations while reading:
Dark on Me by STARSET
Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park
31N-S by Hiroyuki Sawano
Los Angeles by The Midnight

Not needed to enjoy, but I had them playing in the background on my BBMC Spotify playlist as I wrote this.

---

The unwavering shape of the mask holds Barry Benson together.
Focus.
He concentrates on his reflection in the bathroom mirror, holding his breath, and reaching for his face.
Slowly, he slides the skull above his mouth. His lips quiver and a sob catches in his throat. Choking his sadness down, he covers his face again and crouches down, head resting against the sink.
Hold it together. Hold it in. Keep holding.

The front door bolt slides over with a loud click. Barry turns and closes the door, holding his body against the frame to listen carefully while turning the lock. He isn't ready for Dundee's company. Not yet. Not when the last resistances of his bottled up emotions threaten to give way to the months and months of repressed trauma.

I can't burden Dee with that. He'll think it's his fault. It's not. It's mine.

Barry slides down to the floor again and stares up at the mirror. Reaching up again, Barry grasps the sides of his mask and starts to lift. He rests it on the top of his hat and takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

He hears Dee's uneven footsteps and his body bumping into the closet doors. Dee is definitely intoxicated. Barry breathes out a half laugh as he wonders why he hadn't considered doing the same. Subconsciously, it also reminds him of when Wolfe lost his purpose.

Wolfe.

Barry grabs his mask and pulls it over his face again while tears well up in his eyes.

WOLFE.

It was just his name, but it was so loud inside of his head.

Barry stops himself from breathing while his chest heaves up and down, attempting to hyperventilate. The emotions descend upon him like a pack of ravenous wolves he knows he deserves to be mauled to pieces by. Why didn't he do more? Why didn't he try harder? When did it escalate to this point? Did he need to die? Was there another way? Was the situation too far gone? Was it really?

"Benson, open the door," Dee knocks, "please."
"Uh...uhm, no." Barry chews on his lips.
"This is not a request. Open. The door."
"No...thank you?"
Barry sits in silence, waiting for Dee to walk away.

Instead, Dundee punches the door, his hand coming through and grabbing at the lock. Barry's heart jumps out of his stomach and through his chest, leading him to the other side of the bathroom to watch Dee fumble with the handle.
The smell of alcohol on his husband is strong enough to clear his sinuses. Moonshine.

"You didn't drive home, did you?"
"Take off the fucking mask."

Barry reaches for the mask, holding it against his face, "I'd rather not." he says, suppressing every hint of emotion that dares to make itself known. All of his usual thoughts surface to the top to keep the lid sealed over the impending breakdown.

Don't speak. Breathe. Don't feel. Breath. Suck it up. Keep it together. Don't be a pussy. Don't be soft. You're not soft Bawwy.

"Take. Off. The mask, B." Dee repeats louder, but kinder. Barry forgot Dundee reads him like an open book, mask or no mask. But he can't bring himself to respond or comply. Too much of his mental energy is concentrated on holding the dam of emotions shut with a spider thread.

Barry's fists curl up as tight as his eyes are shut, preparing to be socked in the jaw for disobeying an order from a drunk, drugged up, irritated Dundee.
When Dee's hand comes into contact with Barry, he's pulled into a hug. He guides Barry's head into his shoulder and squeezes him tightly.

You failure.

---

Dundee doesn't flinch as Barry's nails find their way to his shoulders and dig into his skin around the denim vest. Everything is still numb- from the meth, the drinks, and the mines. But his thoughts are clear, as nothing is more sobering than his precious husband clinging desperately to him.
"I got you, B..." he whispers softly, gently stroking his back.
"He... Wolfie, he said he wanted me to...to shoot him, if we had to... one day... I tried, but I didn't even argue! I should've fuckin' hit you when you said no, but I...! I wussed out... I didn't...I didn't even... I didn't even say goodbye...
"I let him down, I let the club down...! I didn't think this would happen, but I shoulda seen it, I shoulda been more prepared, and I FUCKING FUCKED IT ALL TO SHIT DAMN IT!" Barry screams into Dee's chest, tears pouring freely down the mask and onto his chest. They cling tighter and tighter with each passing second.
Dee fears letting him go. Barry is suddenly so vulnerable. So fragile. So small in his embrace. B might fall apart right in his arms. Or worse- Barry might think about leaving him. The club. Never again wake up and spend time together. Maybe he would think that Dundee isn't worth waking up for anymore. Maybe he'll become too depressed to continue making their dreams into reality.

Dee pulls Barry away from him and stares sternly through the mask. Barry's grip loosens and before he could defend himself, Dundee snatches his mask and throws it against the wall, "Barry Benson, you listen to me. He is gone. There is no time to worry about what ifs and what you could have done. You did everything." Dee plants a kiss on the forehead and gazes back over the tear stained face. His chest aches at the sight.
"You have every right to be hurt. To cry. Because after you're done, there'll be no more reason to shed tears over him. He is dead and so is his memory," he wipes B's cheeks and kisses his nose, "even if you had fought me-hell! Even if you shot me, Barry, there's no way I could let you pull the trigger."

"But... but, D, I'm the fuckin VP, I should be able to do something so basic, so easy, so needed"
D cuts him off with a kiss on his lips, holding Barry's head in place by the hair. He pulls away slightly, "It's not easy. It doesn't get easier. I told you already, B. You will destroy yourself from the inside out, second guessing yourself until you die. I can't do that to you, and you shouldn't want to do that to yourself."
"But what if I can handle it, Dee-"
"What if you CAN'T?" Dee tightens his grip and Barry winces. He let's go and picks Barry up, throwing him over his shoulder and backing up to the bedroom, "It's not a discussion any more Benson! You'll just have to trust me."

He tosses his lover's body into bed and pulls off his vest, "You still trust me, don't you?"
Barry is quiet. He looks over to check on him and just sees that Barry is watching him undress. He continues to get into more comfortable clothes, turning back to the closet.
"Of course I trust you. I feel like you're the only one I can trust without worrying anymore."
Dee couldn't help but smile, tossing his dirty jeans into the dirty pile in a corner. His confidence soars hearing those loving words.
"So then, you'll say the L word, right?" He presses his luck and crawls onto the bed towards his blushing man.
Barry puts a foot on his chest to stop his advances, "Not tonight."
Dee's face twists into a pout momentarily before he drops to his side and slides up next to Barry, "Fine. I guess."

Barry rolls over to be the small spoon, pulling Dee's arms around him. Dee barely notices as Barry's lips give him little butterfly kisses along his arm. Following the affection, B tugs on him trying to tighten his hold. Dundee complies, snuggling close around burying his nose into Barry's hair and putting his leg over him to secure his hold.

"If I say it out loud," B pauses. Dee counts the seconds of Barry's deep breath in and listens to him exhale his anxieties, "I'm scared it'll jinx us. Any time we're up good...shit happens soon after. What if you get hurt? Go missing again? I...I don't think I could..."

Barry falls silent again and Dundee gives him a moment to add something before kissing the back of his neck, "You don't have to say it, B, I'm only teasing. I know you love me. What kind of husband would I be if I didn't notice?"
"...You're a cunt,"
Dee bursts into laughter and Barry rolls over and wraps his arms around Dundee's torso, hiding his face in his chest.
"Seriously, I thought I was hurting your feelings or some shit! I was a little worried! Not too worried, but a little."
Dee smiles and laughs again, still holding him firmly against his body, "G'night, B."
"...G'night Dee. Ya dog."
"Cunt."