i never thought i'd end up writing here. i'm just writing to myself, after all no one could help me no matter what they say the feelings will always remain here. what do i want from you? what did i want from you? not much, i just wanted you to love me the most. maybe you did but i couldn't see that, i didn't believe that and like you always say "if no one knows then it doesn't exist" if i didn't know did it really exist? i lost it after that day. i lost myself. i didn't trust you enough? i did. i trusted you a lot more than i've trusted anyone but during those last few months you were shit. you said you'd treat me the way i deserve to be treated like, did i really deserve that? i did everything for you. why would you toss me away the moment you find other friends? was i just there for company? nothing more? you were miserable. you were miserable before you grew close to her. you were always telling me how bored you were with everyone and the moment you met her you were so happy. i got boring didn't i? i couldn't make you happy? i'm sorry i couldn't be what you wanted me to be.
she's perfect. smart, pretty, funny, kind. she isn't busy like i am so you guys could call daily. it hurts so fucking much. how i wish i wasn't busy how i wish i wasn't scared to call people how i wish i was funny how i wish i was smart how i wish i was good enough. no, i did my best for you. i did my best and it still wasn't enough? what was i lacking? a lot of things actually i couldn't help you with anything all i did was talk to you. talk and talk and talk non stop. you got used to me overtime didn't you? you didn't cherish me anymore so you went and found other people. i ignored everyone for you, how could you ignore me for everyone? and maybe because of that i lost many friends. i'm all alone now. i didn't want you to stop talking to her because i knew she made you happy. i just wanted you to be happy but a part of me wanted you to be happy with me not her. that's why i bashed you both, hoping you'd take the hint and stop bringing her up in our convos. hoping you'd stop being so close to her but no. you kept defending her. i know she wasn't wrong i KNOW THAT. instead of anyone trying to understand how i felt you all kept telling me how shitty i was being. i knew i was being shitty. i just wanted you to love me was that too much to ask for? i wanted you to SHOW that you loved me. why did you neglect me.
i wanted you to stop talking to her without me asking. why are you so selfish. why am i so selfish? i'm not being selfish. i'm tired. why can't i just be selfish for once? it hurts so bad. if i had asked you to stop talking to her i would've felt guilty. why? because she was your happiness. she IS your happiness now. you really just expect me to forgive you after you gave me hell? how do you expect me to trust you when you were so shitty to me but you treat her so nicely. you treat your friends better than your girlfriend? wow what a shock i didn't know you were supposed to do that. i don't care if you had personal problems that doesn't give you an excuse to act shitty towards me. that doesn't give you an excuse to neglect me and to lash out on me. you said sorry over and over again but never made a change. why did you even say sorry if you were never going to change the way you treated me? i'm all alone now and it's your fault. why are you so happy without me? why can't i do the same? i guess i shouldn't bother, after all you're not mine anymore.
i'm jealous.
