The Carrero Contract - Amending Agreements (Book 2 of Contract Trilogy)

40

'Cam? What are you doing?' His voice hits me like a freight train, and I turn like a deer caught in the headlights to see him standing at his bedroom door in a pair of boxers, looking at me with an expression that screams complete confusion. He just looks wounded and stiff and the question in his face breaks me completely. Abhorred that I should have a completely guilty reaction, thinking I might hurt him.

That's how screwed up he has made me.

I start to cry properly, not sure why, but it's what hits me first as I tremble visibly in front of him; All my scars on show.

'I have to go ... this was a mistake,' I blurt out, voice strained and all over the place, gasping for air and he just frowns at me more deeply.

'What are you talking about? Why do you have to go?' It's not exactly the unemotional deadpan that I am expecting, it's more that of a hurt child and I know it's starting already; getting inside my head, working on me to knock me down.

'We don't work ... you and I ... this is how it starts. Sex ruins everything and I can't do it again. I won't survive you a second time.' My hands are shaking as I cling to my shoes and force them against myself so harshly, they start to bruise and hurt my breasts. Gripping so my knuckles turn white and I can't keep my eyes on his. Boring into me intensely and I start to falter, my body turning weak as I get dizzy.

Alexi's face crumbles, and he loses all hints of Carrero confidence, leaving the look of someone I have never seen before; A face that seems to show hints of real emotional turmoil and pain. Real upset.—A play at acting like he cares.

'It's not like that this time. Just give me a chance to explain.' He sounds as broken as me and I try to shake it away. I know it's a lie, an act, a game to him, but yet, my heart breaks in two and I weep pathetically, showing him all my vulnerabilities and playing right into his hands.

Stupid, stupid girl. I am falling into the rabbit's hole once more, and he will chew me up and spit me out.

'Don't! This is what you do!' I whimper back at him, clawing at my hair near my temple, prodding myself in the head with a finger manically, looking crazy, messed up on so many levels. I'm scared of him for what he has the potential to do to me. That silver tongue and insane ability he possesses to overpower my soul.

'You get inside my head and fuck me up ... you make me think one thing and then rip me apart with another. You push me to desperate levels where the only option I see to get out is a bad one.' I clutch at my hair and make grabbing motions over the side of my head, like I am trying to pull out my own brain as I try to reel in the control. Eyes blurry with the tears falling down my face and I can feel my knees giving way under my own weight. Body powerless and at breaking point. It won't take much for him to strike me down again; so effortless to break me a second time.

Alexi makes a move towards me, shaking his head solemnly, but I jump back, clutching my bag and shoes harder against me, so they start to really hurt me a lot with the pressure I am forcing them against me with, a sign of my sheer petrified state.

I'm terrified of him.

He can hurt me in ways no one ever could and this time ... I invited it.

Idiot Camilla. Stupid, fucking idiot.

'Cam, it's not what you think. I swear.' He looks ashen, I'm not sure how to read his body language, but he seems to be unsure as to what to do, and I stand like a panicked animal held in a trap. Looking for a way out and itching to turn and take off as fast as I can. My body seems frozen in fear as that predator moves in on me and my heart is almost crashing out of my ribs in response.

'Just let me go ... take your club, your money, your apartment. Rip up the contracts. I don't want them. I don't want anything from you.' I'm sobbing as I try to back out, but the door has swung behind me a little and I have to turn to pull it open, frantically struggling with its heavy weight and grasping manically for the handle. I can feel him getting closer as he moves in on me and it spurs my fight or flight instinct. Finding the strength to give it a mighty yank open and hightail it into the hall away from him.

'Cam. They don't matter to me. They never did, it wasn't about the club. Don't leave me like this, you need to know.......' Alexi calls after me, coming at speed, and I close my eyes tight as I hit the lift button and beg for it to come fast; Feet unable to stay still on the carpeted floor and almost dancing in terror as I urge it to hurry.

'I have to go.' It's a broken, tiny whimpering voice, and yet he hears me. I can't look back at him but I can feel his heat close to me as he comes towards me.

'Listen to me ... please.' Alexi is right behind me and I freeze when he closes in against my body and back, hands on my shoulders to get a hold of me. My whole body moves to high alert, jumping in sheer terror as both memory of my past, and memory of things he did to me, shock me like a high electric volt, and he lets me go instantly.

'I'm sorry ... shit ... I didn't mean to come at you from behind. I didn't mean that. Cam, I'm sorry, honestly. I don't want to scare you.' He sounds weird, tripping over his own words as I recoil away like a scared rabbit and wrap myself up in my own embrace, still clinging to my things desperately like some sort of lifeline for getting away. I stare at him warily as he backs off, his hands up in a defensive truce gesturing he isn't coming at me. I shoot forward fast, hit the button again and stop at the weird look on his face that makes me pause.

He looks as distraught as I feel. Brows furrowed over sad eyes that seem to have lost all hints of colour. That jaw tense and something in his expression that tells me he's close to emotional.

'Please ... don't. Cam ... baby ... please. I just need you to let me talk, for you to listen. I need to explain.' His eyes mist over too and his skin pales, he's looking at me so pleadingly it strikes a pain in my heart, but I just shake my head, lip trembling with the force of my own fear and heartbreak. I know it's all games and manipulation to mess me up, confuse me and make it impossible to think straight.

He's a sadist who gets off on crushing girls like me to death and I mean nothing to him—I never did. He told me that often enough and I would be a fool to ever believe someone like him could ever love or care about some white trash nobody like me. I know what I am ... I have always been worthless to everyone.

As the door opens, he catches me by the wrist firmly so I can't dash in, holding me tight, and I turn on him, eyes wide as I choke back on desperate cries; unable to formulate a sentence through garbled words and sniffs of panic.

'Cam ... I swear ... it's not the same ... I'm not the same ... don't leave me, I'm begging you. I don't want to go through that again, please.' It's such a desperate plea that unlocks my throat and I find my courage to face my abuser.

'Go through what? Losing your toy? ' I cry at him, knowing I should close my eyes and ears and block him out. He's the devil incarnate, and he will fuck my mind up if I let him. I was the one who went through hell, not him. He's trying to turn it on me.

'Losing you again. Months of agony in trying to find you, not knowing where you were or if you were okay. Ripping myself apart with regret and desperate to see you. I can't let you leave me. I need you here.' His voice breaks and I gawk at him, heart ripping in two because I am so confused and so scared and broken with the reality that I am about to lose everything again—All because I was too stupid to not fall in love with him all over again.

Part of me is weakening to his words, and that fragile piece of me that longs for them to be true is aching for someone in the world to just want me. While the other part, the one he burned and broke, she's running for the hills and freaking out in case he tries to weave a spell over her once again.

'Why should I listen to anything you say?' I cry at him as I yank my wrist free from his hold, finding inner strength and resolve to keep going and hurl myself inside the open lift in front of me. Alexi moves fast too, grabbing the two doors so they won't start to close, and looks me right in the eye. Those haunting grey eyes so devoid of colour or warmth as they penetrate me with complete intensity and hold me rooted to the spot. His face consumed with the pain I am feeling all over, mirroring my agony.

'Because I'm in love with you ... and I will do anything to keep you.'