The Carrero Contract - Amending Agreements (Book 2 of Contract Trilogy)

36

I keep waiting for the punishments, the cruelty and the blows to my heart with the cruel words of how little I matter to him, and yet they don't come. Not this time. It's almost like he is afraid he may push me to that point again where I held a gun to my head and willed my life to be over. He seems cautious around me as though that night left a mark on him too.

It's in the small things. The way he keeps avoiding standing directly behind me, he even apologised for it that day in the office. He knows it's something that makes me uncomfortable, and he actively tries not to do it now. He bites his tongue most of the time instead of reacting to my anger, and when I flew for him in Miami, he has never brought it up again that I dared to lay hands on him. I know it's a huge trigger for punishment, and yet, nothing.

Alexi has changed ... when it comes to me anyway.

He told me he cared, he always cared and I don't know whether I should believe him or not. He never ever told me that before. He always made a point of making me believe the opposite, to wound me. It's like hurting me is the last thing on his agenda this time, even if his impatience and frustration get in the way.

He said he read who I was wrong and that he thought it was all a lie ...

Does he mean my tears, my reactions to what he did to me? Surely, he couldn't think how I reacted in the Hamptons to what he did was all just an Oscar worthy act to get under his skin. I was completely powerless and he traumatised me.

But then ...

If he saw only a manipulative woman known for her skills in working any angle to get her way, combined with his deep-set mistrust of any mere mortal without the Carrero bloodline, then maybe he didn't really see me as genuine at all.

If the tables were turned, would I believe in someone I picked off the street, who had screwed a known drug mule for fifty G, and then proceeded to try to manipulate him in the first days of meeting him? My reputation for lies and deceit and cold-hearted opportunism preceded me. Alexi had to have known all about my colourful existence, and the way I made my money and manipulated men effortlessly. I thrived by seducing men and lying to get what I needed.

His guard was up before he even knew me. And who am I kidding? Manipulating and using him was exactly the plan I had in mind for King Carrero. Fate is the one who whipped the rug out from under me and made me show him the genuine someone else I could be, without even knowing why I was choosing him to be the one. He didn't know that coming into his world gave me a chance to be someone else and I took it.

I just don't know anymore. I will never be able to justify what he did to me—Even if it was misguided and based on mistrust. He still crushed me, and when I told him how I really felt, he destroyed my heart. I tried to tell him the truth and whether he dismissed it as a lie or just didn't care, I will never know.

If he had actually cared ... it would never have gone the way it did.

Maybe this is just more manipulation, and telling me he does now is more about pulling me close and keeping me obedient. He gets more of that when he plays nice, and maybe he has realised it is far more effective than cruelty.

That sounds more like Alexi's way of thinking ... keep her sweet ... keep her amicable ... keep her obedient. And we all know how much he loves control.

I push myself out of bed with a heavy sigh. The weight of heartache still lingering as a grey cloud over me and I walk out into the lounge with slow steps. I just feel wretched today, a doom and gloom hovering, and I cannot bear to think of that little furball. The ache in my chest from knowing he's not out there anymore is heavy and exhausting.