Saving Myself

Chapter 1

This chapter contains detailed description of self-harm, mature language and mention of body dysmorphia.

Keep in mind Melanie is the middle child at 17, Leo is 5 and Nova is 19.

//Melanie's POV//
4:21 pm

I could hear the faint yelling of my parents through my deafening headphones.

I didn't care; I turned them up louder. "Melanie!" Nova yelled, ripping out one of my headphones.

"What the fuck Nova!"                                                                                                                                        

"What do you want?" I snapped, I couldn't help it.

"I just wanted to tell you that dinner is ready, you didn't answer my text. I did knock, I wouldn't just bust in like this but you usually answer me." she sighed, now leaving my room.

"ok." I felt bad for snapping, even though I couldn't help it.

You're probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and to be honest I don't really know.

I turned back to my desk where I had been sat before Nova came in. I stared lifelessly into the mirror sitting on the wall in front of me, I didn't know the girl staring back at me.

"who am I?" I thought.

Shit. Dinner.

I slid a black oversized hoodie over my slit wrists, the burning sensation of the fabric over them felt strongly satisfying. I made my way downstairs, the smell of lasagna hitting my nose the second I walked through the kitchen door way. "Melly!", Leo greeted me with a smile and a hug. "Hi buddy." I smiled, to be clear he was the only reason I hadn't slit my own throat yet.

After dinner I helped my mom clean up while Nova and Leo went off to play trucks in the living room. "How are you doing sweetie?" my mom asked while washing up the last few plates. I knew she really cared about my answer, "good. I'm good." I manage to lie. "If you need anything you'll know where I'll be." she says, leaving to go get Leo cleaned up since he had pasta sauce all over his face.

I went back to my room, it was my only safe place. I got under my grey blanket on my bed and laid facing the wall while scrolling on my phone. I hear a knock at my door, which panics me as always. "Come in." I say effortlessly. My mom opens the door but doesn't step in, "Mel are you gonna shower tonight?" She asks, "Yeah I guess so." I reply. After everyone went to bed around 10:30 I got a towel and went to the bathroom.

I turned the shower on, and step in.

The agonizing pain of my cut wrists under the burning water doesn't phase me, it never does.

After my shower I return to my room, where I change into sweatpants and a hoodie. I couldn't look at my body, it made the thoughts in my head ten times worse. Therefor I wore baggy clothes constantly, that way nobody would notice if I hadn't eaten in a while. I lay in my bed and eventually fall asleep.

song recommendation:  Softcore - The Neighborhood

6:04am

I wake up to my alarm, as usual I sat up and rubbed my eyes until they hurt.

I got out of bed and walked over to my desk where I would do my hair and makeup, I brushed my hair and left it down and then I tried my best to cover the purple bags underneath my eyes.

Soon enough it was 7:15, which was when I got on the bus to go to school.

To be honest I didn't hate school, I just hated the people there. I walked to the bus stop with my headphones in, the bus drove up and I stepped in. "Good morning, Melanie." The bus driver greeted me as always. "Morning." I said, walking quickly past all of the other kids on the bus. I sat in the back as always. I had my own reserved seat because the bus driver was basically my only friend outside of my family, she knew when I was having a hard time. It's not hard to miss; I mean, it was easy for my family to miss since Leo was the main attention in the house, besides my mom. She always had time for me.

I went to my classes. First was Math, then English and then lunch. After lunch I go to Art and Biology, then school was over at 3:00pm.

Once again I got on the bus, "Hi, Melanie. How was school?" the bus driver asked nicely. "Good." I say, avoiding conversation since I was obviously about to break down. I put in my headphones when I reach my seat and stare out the window as a tear falls down my rosy cheek. When I get home I run to my room, no one was home. Nova was at college, Leo was at daycare and my parents were both at work. I drop my stuff on my bedroom floor and sit at my desk, my eyelashes were soaked; meaning black streams of tears covered my cheeks.

My breath starts to pick up and my chest feels like it's caving in.

It's happening again, I thought.

I get in my bed and surround myself with blankets, rocking back and forth to sooth my shakiness. Sweat drips from my forehead even though I was really freezing, It was early December.

I had experienced panic attacks before, but not this bad.

After 45 minutes of rocking back and forth and feeling like the world was ending, I felt calm. "I'm home!" I hear my mom walk in the front door. My heart starts to pound, I rush to my desk and pull out a note book and a pen. I quickly wipe my face with a makeup remover cloth to hide the fact I've been crying, and pretend to do homework. My mom knocks on my door. "Come in" I say, "How was your day?" My mom comes in my room with a basket, she picks up the dirty clothes off my floor one by one. "It was good, thanks." I reply looking back down to my note book where I had written math questions on. "Dinner will be ready around 5." She added, leaving my room. I sighed in relief after my door shut.

I glared over at my computer and a smile immediately formed on my face.

I pushed my note book aside, and opened my laptop to discord,

Amy  - Offline

Julia - Offline

Ezra  - Offline  

Oh yeah, I probably forgot to introduce my online friends. Julia's from England, Ezra's from L.A, and Amy's from Canada. I haven't met any of them in real life, but I think that's for the better.  We usually play Valorant on weekends, but lately I've been distant; We all know why. Ezra and I met 4 years ago, on Minecraft actually. A year after, we met Julia and this year Amy. The best part about online friends is that they don't know what goes on behind the scenes. Ezra is the only one that knows how much I hate myself, one night I stayed up on call balling my eyes out to him because a pair of jeans didn't fit me anymore. That's when I got diagnosed with BDD, body dysmorphia disorder. My mom was the one who took me to the doctor, she's the only one that knows how bad I struggle, she knows when I lie; I can tell.

Hope you enjoyed the first chapter!!

wc: 1261