Between the Empty Spaces

Chapter 1

I never really feel the lack of affection, though. In fact, grandma showered me with love, and it nurtured me to who I am today. But there were times when I saw my classmates in elementary and middle school with their parents, I wished to have a larger family. I would ask myself if I wasn't worthy enough for them to easily cut me off their lives.

Diane pushes away from me and holds me on my shoulders. Despite my blurry vision, I can see her eyes staring at me with fervor.

"Then I will!" she stated intensely. "You will never ever be alone again, Yumi. I promise you that. My little godson, or daughter won't feel that he or she isn't loved. What happened to you in your childhood, it won't happen to him, or her. Do you hear me?"

Looking at her, she looks like a mother assuring her child that everything will turn out great. I can't help but chuckle, wiping away my disgusting snot with the napkin she hands me. Can you remind me how lucky I am to have a friend like her?

"I said do you understand," she repeated with more force than the previous one.

"Yes, ma'am," I nodded with a smile on my face.

"Then fix your face. You better make sure that my godson, or goddaughter, won't have your ugly crying face," she joked, grabbing more napkins for me. "Sheesh. I think I'm picking my gender side, I think it's a boy."

"Isn't it too early for genders?"

My smile widens as I hold my stomach for the first time. Diane's right. Whatever Greg's decision is, I won't let my very own child experience what I went through. I will make sure he or she won't ever doubt herself because of others.

She shrugged. "Just saying. My bet is on a godson. So when are you telling him?" she asked as she helped me clean up the mess of napkins on the counter.

"He's picking me up in two hours, so I'm thinking maybe it's good to tell him by then," I sighed. "Gosh, I don't think I can," I admitted.

She took my hand. "Hey. It's okay to feel that way. Don't beat yourself up. Tell him, then we can decide what to do next. Alright?"

I just nodded, unsure of what words to utter.

"Now, get your ass ready," she faces me in the mirror and taps my shoulders before going out of the bathroom.

The reflection of me on it seems different with the image I always saw every morning I looked at it. The uncertainty in my eyes that had always been there had magically vanished. The trauma from my childhood, however, remains constant. Probably the only constant thing in my life.

"Yumiko, you are one strong woman. You don't need anyone to validate you. You only need you. No one else matters but you," I recited my mantra, "and your baby," I added with happiness in my tone. I can't believe that I, indeed, am pregnant.

I can say that my mantra has saved me from a lot of breakdowns from childhood to present. Saying it with the additional phrase lights me up. A different world opens up, and this world will be mine for the taking. Fate has already messed up with my childhood, and it would be unbearable if my baby will go through the same.

After my much needed shower and occasional singing to pacify my nerves, I rummaged through my drawers for something decent to wear. I have gained quite a few kilos because of the heavy midnight snack I had been hungrily munching on while checking the papers and exams of my little students. Come to think of it, Korean food must have been my early cravings. Making a mental note to order some more of that spicy rice cakes for later, I slipped a leg on my regular jeans. They are not too tight, so I guess this will do.

"That's what you are wearing?" Diane barges in without knocking her voice louder than appropriate. I frantically grab the towel on my bed to cover my chest as I am not wearing anything.