Gone Away

But Never Lost

I sat at my desk for hours, writing quick notes on a few pieces of paper. The night had been long, it seemed; though, I hadn't quite felt alone. I glance over my shoulder, feeling a looming presence, though I know not of who it may be.

Staring at the corner of the tent for a long period of time, I came to the conclusion that no one was there. So I turned back to my writing.

My eyelids have long since grown heavy as it approached the early hours of the morning, and I knew that soon, I'd end up falling asleep. Though, I can't help but feel as if someone drew closer. Turning, I saw a face of someone I hadn't seen in quite awhile. My heart sped up and I quickly stood, setting my quill down. It couldn't be him! It shouldn't be him...

"N-Nate?" I breathed, backing promptly into my desk.

"I believe I promised you one more talk before I went." The figure smiled, offering a hand to me.

I smiled, the familiar face relaxing. "One more talk it will be..." I took his hand, allowing him to pull me forward. He spun me for a moment, and I laughed, feeling like that little school boy once again. 

"You've been tense as of late..." The figure before me spoke, his eyes steady on mine. 

"I've had a lot of pressure on me... The general is expecting so much from me..." I explained, looking towards the ground below us. 

"And that's unfair, my dear." He whispered, his hand tracing lightly over my jaw. I couldn't help but lean into the touch, something so familiar. He was someone familiar. 

"Ever since you died... He's... He's put so much more onto me... Now I'm Head of Intelligence... And I've organized a spy ring." 

"I've seen... And I'm so proud of you, Benjamin... Look at you! How far you've come! I can't help but be proud..."

I felt my stomach flutter, and I smiled, looking away. It's been ages since someone had offered to tell me they were proud. I slowly placed my hand on his, burying my face in his palm. "It's been so hard without you..."

"I know, my dear... But you've hung on for me... You've been so, so strong for me..." The man whispered, leaning in and placing a kiss to my forehead. I knew my cheeks had heated, but the feeling of longing still remained. 

His fingers encased mine, and he pulled me forward, spinning me again. A dance I was all too familiar with, but hardly danced. Perhaps it's because I feel almost out of place on the dance floor, or it's because my grace isn't that much of a key factor.

He dipped me down, as he did so many nights before when we danced alone. His arm firm around my waist, hair falling into his face, the other arm outstretched to the side, giving the dance more eloquence.

I laughed softly, remembering the feeling, the steps. The dance was a Waltz, what it was. I stood before him, at least at shoulder distance. He should lead the dance, for I have never been the one to lead; I'm no leader.

I felt his hand soon rest on my back, as my right hand intertwined with his left, we adjusted to where our elbows rested at shoulder height. I looked to see if I had gotten the steps right, and he only looked to me with love. 

I soon adjusted my left hand to his shoulder, and he was quick to move through the paces. I followed with what felt like simplicity, delight. "It's been ages since we've danced..."

"Has it?" He questioned, an amused smile crossing his lips. "I've visited your dreams often... It seems as if we've danced more..."

I smiled softly as we spun, soon returning to the first moves of the dance. In the back of my mind, it almost seemed that a song played. And as the moments passed, the song grew louder. I laughed as I was spun, the dizziness soon finding its way to me. I looked toward the man I had been dancing with, and froze, finding he had gone.

"...Nate?" I called out. 

He reappeared shortly after and I hurried to join him, clasping his hands tightly. I held him in a tight hug. "Please, don't disappear like that... I want to spend so much more time with you..." 

"Ben, I love you... You know that..."

I looked at him almost pleadingly.

"You have to wake up soon..." He rested a hand on my jawline once more, and I shook my head, blinking away tears. I leaned into his palm almost desperately, as if I'm begging for him to stay a bit longer.

"No, no I don't! I can stay a bit longer! I want to dance with you... I want to talk to you... I want to be us..."

"How can it be us when I've gone away?"

"You're still here... I still love you... You're not gone."

"I've gone, Benny... But I'm never truly going to be that far away from you... I'll be visiting you soon again... For now, I really must go." He whispered. I couldn't let him go, not again. I traced a hand over his jawline, and I soon met his eyes.

"Please-" My voice broke, and I bowed my head. "Don't leave me alone... I can't bare another day without you by my side..." 

"You've been doing just fine, Benny... I'm here for you, I'm never truly gone. Just remember me, okay? Don't forget that I love just as much now as I did when I lived..."

I opened my mouth, but couldn't speak. Instead, I dove forward, pressing a longing kiss to his lips, just holding him tightly. "Don't leave me..."

"Be good for me, Benjamin..." 

I made eye contact with him again, and couldn't help but melt when he smiled so warmly. "I will..."

Shooting up from where I had fallen asleep, I breathed heavily, staring at the papers that I had been resting on. My whole body shook, and I covered my face, broken sobs falling from my mouth (though muffled). 

It had been nothing but a dream, truly.

Yet, he was so close. He was mine again... We were together; it was how it was supposed to be. Nate and I, together, dancing alone with nothing but our laughs to lead the way. It was perfect...

But, as the clock works, and as the time passes, he too had gone away. He was once again nothing more than a memory. 

Tucked away, but never lost...