Virginity

I wake up to the feeling of a hand on my back. I look behind me to see Vinnie standing over me. His face is illuminated by the blue LED lights that surround my bed frame.

"Are you okay?" I ask in a groggy voice, peeking at my phone to look at the time - 3:06 am. He sits down on the bed beside me and I turn around completely so that I'm facing him. He sits there for a second looking down before nodding his head yes and laying next to me.

I examine his face to see if he looks upset, but he doesn't. He looks calm. His hand comes up to my cheek, his thumb swiping across my lips as he stares at them with his tired eyes. His touch catches me off guard and I stay still, unsure of how to react.

—

I moved into the Hype House 8 months ago. Vinnie and I had gotten to be really close in this time and I knew he had started to develop feelings for me but I wasn't looking for a relationship right now. Not that I wouldn't be open to a relationship down the line, but not right now.

A few months ago, he drunkenly confessed his feelings for me but I immediately shut him down and let him know where I stand. I could tell he was heart broken, but he said he understood where I was coming from.

Nonetheless, he's always posting tiktoks that I know are just for me. Things like how he's tired of being single. How he's spending another night alone. Lip syncing to songs that have subliminal messages for me. They're his way of getting my attention and letting me know how he feels without actually having to tell me. Letting me know he's still interested in me. I never acknowledge them, though. What good would it do?

And I feel his eyes on me all the time. When I'm cooking, when I'm watching TV, when I'm doing my makeup. If we're in each other's presence, his eyes are glued to me.

He's always so understanding and patient with me, despite how frustrating it may be for him. I do care for Vinnie. Deeply. He's one of my best friends and he's an amazing person but I'm not sure he's what I want or need right now. Especially after the hell I went through in my last relationship.

—

I brought my hand up to his and gently grabbed his wrist.
"Vinnie -"
"Shhh," he hushes me quietly.
He climbs under the covers with me, and pulls me closer to him, resting his forehead on mine while we both lay on our sides. His touch does feel nice. I missed the comfort of cuddling with someone. It's been a while since my last relationship and I don't really do hookups.

"Can I stay in here tonight, y/n?" he pulls back and looks at me with a subtle needy look in his eyes. I don't want to say no to him, there's clearly something bothering him.

"Okay," I say quietly. "Are you sure everything is okay?" I reach my hand up to brush the curls out of his face.
He nods yes, but then sighs and turns on his back, looking up at the ceiling.

"Can I confess something to you, y/n?"
"Of course," I say. I wonder what he has to confess.
"Don't judge me, please. Don't laugh at me," he turns his head to look at me.
"You know I'd never judge you for anything, Vin."
He looks back up at the ceiling and waits a moment, as if he's debating on whether he should actually tell me. He finally spits it out.

"I'm a virgin."

What? How is that even possible? And why is he telling me?

"Oh," I say, trying to hide my confusion. "Really? You've never done anything with anyone?" I ask.
He shakes his head no. "I mean I've kissed people, but that's it. Nothing more," he says.
"Well, that's okay. Nothing wrong with that," I reassure him.
"It's not okay. It's embarrassing. And it's getting to the point that I'm worried it's never going to happen," he continues to stare at the ceiling.
"Well, you're only 19. You've got plenty of time. If anything, it's a good thing. Wait for the right one," I gently rub his arm.
"I'm ready for it to happen now, though," he turns back over to face me again.