One Big Dysfunctional Family - Olympian one-shots

Family Dinner

"Must you eat like a rabid animal sweetie?" Hera asked, frowning in distaste as Ares basically inhaled his food.

"I've been working out all day mother. I'm hungry." Ares responded between bites of chicken.

"Yeah, if you consider starting random street fights working out," Artemis mumbled. Aphrodite snorted.

"Sorry, sorry." She said, stifling a laugh.

"You were fighting Ares? Again?" Zeus demanded. "You've already gotten arrested twice!"

"You're one to talk! And Athena fights too, why don't you guys ever get on her case?"

Zeus turned to Athena. She wasn't paying attention, for she was reading a book.

"Athena, no books at the dinner table." Hera scolded. "Now what's all this about you starting fights?"

"I don't believe I know what you're talking about," Athena said. 

"Arachne." Ares coughed.

"What was that?"

"She hit a girl over the head with her loom stick thing." Apollo chimed in. "And called her a disgusting spidery bitch."

Athena shot Apollo a glare, and he smiled at her innocently. Then she turned her attention back to Zeus and Hera. "I was merely standing up for myself. Arachne challenged me to weave competition, but she wove quite a threatening and violent rug, and honestly, I just didn't feel safe! I won the competition of course, and when she came toward me that angry look, why I just had to hit her. She could have hurt me!" Athena insisted. Ares rolled his eyes.

"There now, that's a perfectly valid reason." Zeus boomed. Athena smirked.

"Pass the wine over will ya?" Dionysus slurred. 

"Good gods Dionysus, do you have to get drunk every five minutes?" Hera asked, exasperated. Dionysus looked as if he was going to protest, but instead just grumbled to himself.

"And Hades. You haven't said a word this whole dinner. You and Hestia, always so sullen!"

Hestia looked hurt. She prefered to listen rather than talk, she never thought it was a bad thing.

"Hey! Leave her out of this! Hades protested. Everyone liked Hestia, she was the cool nice aunt who didn't threaten your life. Except Hera, Hera didn't like anyone but Ares. She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to her children.

"Hephestus, you mustn't play with your food." She said as he used his knife to carve tiny windows into his intricit carrot Statue of Liberty.

"Hera, shut up," Demeter said. "You're just looking for things to judge people on now."

Hera frowned but stopped talking. There was an uncomfortable silence, then Aphrodite spoke up. 

"So Artie, who's this girl you're talking too?"

Artemis blushed. "Callisto," She smiled. "We hunt together."

"OoOoOoOoO! Artie's got a cruUuUsh!" Apollo mocked. Artemis blushed harder.

"Shut up!" She said, kicking him under the table.

"Bet you guys don't actually hunt, you just go into the forest and fuck each other."

"Ew, gross! You know I'm asexual!" Artemis gagged.

"Hmm... sure..." Apollo teased. 

"Ugh, that's it!" Artemis leaped out of her seat and grabbed Apollo by the collar, punching him hard in the face.

"Ow! Damn! I'm bleeding!" Apollo yelped

"Oh, you poor thing," Artemis said mockingly, kneeing him in the stomach.

"Alright, that's enough!" Poseidon yelled.

"Shut up old man, he deserves it." Athena snapped, not looking up from her book. Poseiden scoffed.

"Athena, I said no books at the table!" Hera scolded.

"Let the girl read for fuck's sake! You're always calling people out!" Demeter yelled back.

"If I don't, who will?" 

"I'll do it! I you're annoying, petty, rude, and stuck up. And everyone here can agree on that!"

"I can!" Hades said.

Artemis was full on beating up her twin by that time, and Athena was cheering her on. Poseiden was cussing off Athena, Zeus was cussing off Poseiden (He favored Athena) and Ares and Aphrodite were making out. Hestia excused herself and went to go cuddle up by the fireplace with a nice book and some hot chocolate.

"Thank gods," She thought, "Dinner was pretty mellow tonight."

Sorry, I'm not great at one-shots. I hope this was good, please comment, it's my life support.