The Dark of You (GxG)

54. What have I done

"If you can't or don't want to, then that's totally," she stopped herself and looked around in confusion. "Are you alone?" she asked, astonished. 

"Yeah, I am," I couldn't hide the smile as to how it feels like to walk down a street with no one following me. The newfound freedom tastes sweet. 

"It must be nice," she said and I nodded.

"It is. Well, it's the first day today, but still," I shrugged and she watched me so profoundly that I had to look away. I have a terrible habit of falling into the depth of those eyes of hers. 

"And," I hesitated shyly. "It would be nice to have coffee and something to eat," I said. "With you," I added hurriedly and wanted to slap my forehead of myself. 

"Okay," she indicated with her head for me to follow her and I did. The scent of coffee and baked goods made my stomach turn as I sat down across from Rylan. Silence hung thickly around us like a fog. I haven't felt this uncomfortable around her before. I stare endlessly at the table, too awkward to look her in the eye. A waiter interrupted our discomfort and I asked for a coffee for now. I'll wait on the food as I'm unsure if my stomach can take it right now. 

"So, who was your friend?" I asked as I didn't know what else to say or bring up as a conversation. To be honest, it was kind of unsettling to watch someone else be able to touch Rylan, but it was how it didn't mean a thing that bothered me. Usually, she gets upset, even if they just reach out a hand to her. 

"Oh," Rylan sat up straight as the question seemed to make her uncomfortable. "That was Alice, she's," Rylan sighed deeply. "Alice is my psychologist," she said and I didn't expect that at all. 

"Oh," slipped out of me as the waiter placed my coffee on the table. "I didn't know that you went to one," I said as I held onto the warm cup. Rylan pressed her lips together as she tapped her finger on the table quickly. Her eyes are hard as her jaw is clenched tightly. I pushed the cup to the side and reached out for her hand to bring it into my hands. For a long time, she only stared at our contact. 

"I didn't," she raised her head. "Not until after I," she swallowed. "Left you," she struggled to say. "I can accept certain things about myself, but," she rubbed her temple. "But what I did to you that night, I can't," a flicker of pain took over her face. "I understand that you are angry that I left without a word, but" the look on Rylan's face is enough to break someone's heart. "What I did to you, Hadley is not acceptable. You do not deserve to live with that," she paused. "part of me," Rylan breathed out as if she had held her breath for a very long time. My grip tightened around her hand. 

"The thing is, Rylan," I smiled lightly. "I want every part of you. The good, the bad and your pain," I admitted. "The thing about you, Rylan, is that you try so hard to be good, strong, reliable and considerate. But you don't have to because you are all of those things," I said and Rylan's face softened almost into a smile. "I told a lot of terrible things to you yesterday and I'm sorry. I-I was mad. I was hurt by you abandoning me,"

"I didn't want to leave you," she bit her inner cheeks. "I never intended to leave you or hurt you," she was silent for a moment and gazed out the window. "I'm scared," she slowly turned to me. "Always scared of hurting you," she admitted. "And what I tried not to do, I did," she blamed herself. "I couldn't sleep for days after, I was so angry and I came to a breaking point where I became so desperate that I sought help," she shrugged. "I thought I wasn't good enough for you in the state I was in and it might be foolish of me to believe I would ever be just that," she said and I wanted to smack her head. 

"You are more than enough, Ry. You always were," I let go of her hand and reached it out to her. Rylan looked at me in confusion but eventually took hold of my hand in hers. 

"I'm Hadley. It's nice to meet you," I grinned. 

"Rylan. It's nice to meet you too," she smiled so warmly. "Can I follow you home?" she offered. 

"Oh, I don't know. My father doesn't really like me talking to strangers," it made her chuckle.
"Of course you can, Rylan,"

When the coffee cup was emptied and all forgotten about the hunger, I let Rylan walk me home side by side. The entire way home was nothing but silence, but occasionally our shoulders would bump and we would smile at each other. Yet, I felt like there was something Rylan wanted to say or ask, but not once did a word slip out of her as we stopped before my apartment building. 

"Thank you for taking me home," 

"There is no need for you to thank me," she said, her voice somewhat low. "I wanted to," she smiled. 

"So," I snuck my hands down into my jeans pockets. "If I called or texted you, you would answer?" I asked and Rylan closed her eyes with a sad smile. 

"Yeah, I would," she replied. "I promise. Even if it's in the middle of the night, I will answer," relief settled in my chest. 

"Okay," I breathed and I was about to step closer to her, but realized quickly what I was doing. "I'll see you around then," I shrugged. Rylan nodded and hesitantly, she came closer to me. Enough to make my heart speed up in anticipation. She's watching and waiting for me to make some sort of move, but I stand my ground. I want her to do this. I want her to chase me this time. Insecurity spread out across her face and she was on the way to go back. Yet, I grabbed her by the sleeve and Rylan took the hint to stay. 

"Can I," she cleared her throat. "Hold you?" she asked timidly. 

"You don't have to ask," I said, but she furrowed her eyebrows.

"I feel like I have to," 

"Why?" I wondered and now she stood so close her breath touched my forehead.

"I'm scared I'll do something wrong," she said it so quietly I nearly didn't hear her. I couldn't stop myself when I wrapped my arms around her back and hid my face against her collarbone. Not long after, her arms were around me, holding me tightly. It's been a while, but it's familiar, safe, and feels like every broken part has been tucked back in place. I didn't want to let her go, but I had to. 

"I'll see you," I grinned and I couldn't prevent it. Rylan leaned down and I closed my eyes as a kiss was placed on my forehead. 

"Yes," she smiled.