what am i to do? | B.E

one

what am i to do?

i just want to stay in bed for the rest of my life.
i'm so tired of everything and everyone.
i've never felt this numb. ever.

my thoughts got interrupted when my mother softly knocked at my door.

"harley how many times do i have to tell you to get out of your bed? i'm getting worried. please come downstairs and eat. i made you some soup"

my mom is the sweetest person i know. she cares so much for me and i feel really bad for making her worried. so after what felt like an hour after trying to collect myself and my feelings, i slowly walked out of my room. i wanted to make her happy. and she is so patient with me and i am so grateful that she is.

no one has ever been this patient with me. that's why i lost my friends. they always complained about me being boring. they always went out together and had fun without asking me to join them. when i asked them why, they said that my depression is, and i quote "too much" and they can't stand me for it. so i decided to cut them off my life.

when i walked in to the kitchen, a big smile formed on my moms face. she told me that she's very proud of me for getting out of my room.
"after you've eaten, would you like to do something? maybe you could go on a walk and listen to your favorite songs, to clear out your head?"
that sounded nice actually. i haven't been outside for two weeks. it would be hella sad if i spent the whole summer in my room. "that actually sounds nice. i'll try to do that" i responded. she looked at me with a proud look on her face.

"oh i forgot to tell you, i have to leave for work earlier today. amanda got sick so i have to cover up for her. i'll be back tomorrow at 8am. i love you" she quickly said as she looked at the time. 5:38 pm. god this woman works too much. i don't know how she does it.
"i love you too, mom. good luck" i said as she gave me a kiss on the forehead and ran out the door.

after i finished my soup, i walked up to my room. i picked up a pair of black sweatpants, a black cardigan and a white crop top. after i quickly changed, i grabbed my phone, headphones and keys. i walked downstairs and out the door. i decided to go to a park 10 minutes away from home.

i inhaled the fresh air as 'all the time' by 'benee' blasted through my headphones

"my mind explodes,
my body starts to feel controlled
i lose a hold,
this place it starts to turn so cold
lungs wrap from whitin,
i cannot hear anything
you're sayin' somethin' ,
i can see that your mouth's movin'
your eyes are red,
i can see you're knocked out too
what is this room?
i cant take my eyes off you "

this song is so good. it's fascinating how music can change someone's mood.

after listening to some other songs, i arrived at the park. it's so beautiful and peaceful here. as i took off my headphones, i ran up to one of the swings and sat on it. i was humming to 'tobacco sunburst' by 'the neighbourhood'. my anxiety slowly left my body. damn. i really needed this.
then i heard someone scream.

"peppeeeeer"

"PEPPER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, OLD LADY"

what the fuck was that? i jumped off the swing and walked towards the raspy voice. i spotted a girl with blue hair, and pale skin in the middle of the park, looking around in confusion. she looked back at me.
"have you seen a big fat dog? she's white and brown and has a patch on her left eye." she asks while walking up to me.
"uuuhm no i haven't" i said.
"fuck off. PEPPEEEEEER" she yells.
"i can help you look for her if you want to" i quickly add. "really? that would be great" she says in a relieving tone.

we walked around for around 5 minutes, yelling her dogs name. she then got a call.
"hello? WHAT? are you for real? oh my goooood. okay thanks bye." she hung up and looked at me. she looked annoyed?
"that son of a bitch dog ran back home. i am so sorry for wasting your time bro. can i get you something, to make it up for you?"
"no no no you're good. it's not like i have anything else to do." i said.

we stood there in silence. her eyes are really beautiful. they're blue. and her nose is beautiful as well. and her lips? they're plum and soft. kissable.
her face in general is unreal. wow.

pussy's throbbing

"uhm i should probably go...uh tha-thank you for your help." she stuttered. "you're welcome."
i said, almost stuttering myself. she turned around and walked away.
"hey! what's your name?" i quickly yelled.
she turned around, now walking backwards.
"billie, you?" she yelled back.
"harley."
"sick"

sick

she turned around quickly before i could see her smile. she thought she could hide it lmaooo.
i'm over here smiling too tho...
i walked back home after standing there like an idiot.

when i came back home it was already 6:43 pm. i felt a lot better. was it because of billie? or was it because of the fresh air?... maybe it was because of both of them.
she's been stuck in my head non stop since i left the park. fuck. i need to distract myself. i decided to take a loooong shower.

the shower didn't work. i'm still thinking about her. fuck. i could've at least asked for her number.

i'm going back to the park tomorrow.
i have to.

~
a/n
hello guys. this is my first book so please excuse my writing. ive felt anxious and sad for a very long time, so i thought i could start writing my own book to distract myself, cause why not?
i also want to add that i have no plans for this book. i don't know what's going to happen with it. i'm just writing when i feel like it. so don't get any high expectations.
i hope you liked the first chapter<3
- daisy