The Dark of You (GxG)

53. I can't hurt you

She is just as breathtaking as the last time I saw her. Blond hair up tight in a ponytail, cheekbones strong and jaw sharp. Tall and robust as her black suit hugs her shape perfectly. I'm one step away. One-step and I could fall back into her arms. Yet the anger and the pain I thought I had finally been able to place mainly behind me came rasing like a flood. A flood that the gates couldn't keep down as they were crushed into pieces of rocks. 

Short breathes and clenched hands, I turned to the side and walked away. When I finally reached for the door, I gasped for air. The cold grabbed hold of my skin and sent a shiver down my spine. 

"Hadley," I closed my eyes as my name was called. The voice that I longed for two months to hear. From the one person who wouldn't let me sleep, wouldn't let me stop weeping and begging on my knees to come back. Slowly I turned to face her and there she stood helplessly lost. 

"No," I shook my head and looked over the busy evening street as cars passed by. 

"You do not get to do this to me!" I said in rage and met her eyes this time. Her gaze fell to the ground as if she was a wolf who had submitted. I narrowed the distance between us. 

"I became a slave to you! " I cried as I poked her shoulder roughly.

"I bent for you. I cried for you. I broke myself for you!" I lashed out at Rylan as she stood still.  

"And all the things you've stolen! My sanity. My will to breathe. My happiness!" Tears fell like the rain, a storm that had been waiting for so long to be unleashed. 

"I hate everything about you!" I screamed at the top of my lungs to the point that my throat hurt and surprise crossed her face bringing along regret. 

"The way you make me feel whenever I'm around you. The way I'm always safe in your presence. The way you make me crave more and more. It shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't be this way, Rylan," I pointed at myself as frustration took over. 

"And you left me with constant pain, tears, and with no way out. You left me with so much it became unbearable," I reached for a breath.

"I drowned myself in every memory off you. Each touch, each kiss played on repeat. Even things as your smile and the way you look at me. I sank so far I couldn't find myself," I burst into laughter as I had completely lost my mind. 

"I hate you, Rylan. No," I shook my head over and over again as I pointed my finger at her.

"I wish I was able to hate you. It would have been so much easier to hate you," I said with so much anger that my body shook. 

"Because truly, the agony I feel is my love for you. My love for you lays so deep it has manifested itself in my bones. I can't make it stop. I hate that I can't make it stop. Because I know I do not deserve this. I do not deserve to feel this pain. Nobody should ever feel the way I feel," I cried so deeply in pain. It felt as if someone had snatched the heart out of my chest. The way Rylan looks at me is something I haven't seen since my father told me my mother had died. She opened her mouth but closed it shortly. 

"I never intended to hurt you," It took her some time before she managed to speak.

"I," Rylan paused and pressed her lips together as she looked over the street. Once her eyes fell back to me, they shone in the street light. 

"I hurt you that day, Hadley," She said, distressed. 

"I did the most unspeakable thing to you. Something I can never forgive myself for," Rylan couldn't look at me as she spoke those words. The shame and the guilt are written like gold over her face. 

"I can't hurt you like that, Headly," she pressed her lips tightly together. 

"I can't hurt you," 

"And yet you did," I clenched my hands so intense that my nails painfully sank into my palms. 

"You left me as everyone else did. That Rylan," I laid my finger on her collarbone.

"Is the worst thing a person could ever do to me," tears slide down my face, unstoppable. Rylan closed her eyes and breathed deeply. 

"I'm sorry,"

"I don't care," I pushed her by the palm of my hand and she took a step back. The pained expression on her face hurt me so much. I held back the need to touch her, to hold her in my arms. She might have stolen every part of me, and no wonder it hurt so much when she left. Yet, now I can't do this. I'm tired of bending and begging. I've had enough.

"I'm going home," I said and noticed Mario standing next to the entrance of the party, waiting for me. 

"I'll take you," I raised my hand and shook my head.

"I don't need you, Rylan," she clenched her jaw as she nodded. The words tasted bitter on my tongue and I might not need her right now, doesn't mean I don't want her. If only she knew how much I wanted her and how hard it is to say no.

"Goodnight," I tried to smile, but it felt too forced. 

"Night," she said as I passed her on my way to Mario. 

"Home, please," I told him and he nodded. Then, passing a few cars, Mario finally opened the door of the right vehicle for me.

"Thank you," I smiled politely, but I couldn't stop myself from glancing up the street. Rylan's staring at me, her face flat, empty. But I didn't give in as I seated myself into the car to go home and most likely not sleep for a while.