She thought that maybe he'd find out in ten years time, when she'd finally found someone else and they were both settled, and they could joke about how she had a crush on him for all of these years.
"Ash, look at me," Awsten urges, "hey, slow down," he steps closer to her, taking her hand, which halts her movements.
She looks at him with wide eyes, unsure of what to do or say.
Awsten's gaze drops from her eyes to where he's holding her hand.
"How long?" He asks, quietly.
"I don't know—"
"Come on, Shelly. How long?" Awsten repeats, looking up at her again.
"As long as I can remember— that I've known you, really," Ashley shrugs, her eyes falling to the floor, sheepishly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks, softly.
"Because I was young," she sighs. "I thought it was just a stupid crush, and that it was going to pass, but—"
"It doesn't feel so stupid anymore," Awsten finishes her sentence, catching her by surprise.
"Do you—?"
"Yeah," he answers, before Ashley can even get the question out.
"You don't even know what I was going to say," she insists, raising an eyebrow.
"Not true," Awsten counters. "You were gonna ask if I feel the same," he says, running his thumb over her knuckles, and a breath catches in her throat.
"Do you?" Ashley looks up at him, her voice barely a mumble.
"I do," Awsten nods.
"How do I now you're not just saying that?" She questions. "How long has it even been since you broke up with Grace? You've been gone for a week and a half, and the last time we saw each other, we ending up screaming at each other, and the time before that we—"
"Grace and I broke up three weeks ago," Awsten tells her. "A week and a half before I left. Then I was gone for a week and a half. That makes three weeks," he breaks it down, slowly. "But, I've felt like this for a lot longer than three weeks, Shelly," he adds, sincerely.
Ashley just stares at him, trying to take everything in, while also attempting to keep her breathing under control.
"I, uhm—" She breaks the quiet that had fallen over them, but she's unsure what exactly to say. "How did you know?"
"I think it was seeing you with Geoff," Awsten answers, sheepishly. "It's stupid, and I know I reacted wrong to that whole situation, but..." He pauses, clearing his throat, before explaining. "When Grace and I broke up, she said it's because we're meant to be with other people. I was confused at first, but I think she's found someone else— someone I know, apparently," Awsten tells her.
"Did she say who?" Ashley frowns, and he shakes his head in response.
"But, I think that thought was just— stuck in my head, you know? Like, she wants someone else that I know, over me, and I'd just have to live with it," Awsten continues to elaborate. "And, so, with you and Geoff— I thought it was gonna be the same. I thought you'd want him and I'd just have to deal with it. I'd have to see you with him and it'd just—" He cuts himself off, not wanting to finish his sentence, and lets out a sigh.
"I've had to watch you with Grace for over four years..." Ashley speaks up, quietly. "And you're first girlfriend— the one you met at Warped Tour that time," she adds, "I can't even remember her name now, but...That was hard, too."
"I had no idea," Awsten murmurs, and she shrugs, before another dose of silence falls over them.
Ashley stares at the floor, while Awsten's eyes are stuck on her.
She's used to having to navigate knowing that she has feelings for him— he's not.
He knows he's felt this feeling for a long time, but he's never been able to figure out what it was until now.
Now, he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"Are you freaked out?" Awsten asks, cautiously, breaking the tense quiet.
"No," Ashley shakes her head, softly. "Are you?"
"No," he replies, holding her gaze. "But...I don't really know how to deal with this."
"Me neither," she mutters. "It's been so long but— I never really thought about the possibility of you feel the same," Ashley admits.
"Why wouldn't I?" Awsten responds, gently.
"Thought you maybe saw me as more of a sister," she shrugs, earning a grimace, which causes her to crack a smile. "Yeah, I heard you'd didn't like that."
Awsten looks puzzled for a moment, before he realises. "Oh, man. Geoff told you about that, huh?"
"Mhm, yeah," Ashley hums. "He said you got really pissed at Otto."
"Maybe a little," Awsten tries to play it off, a small smile tugging on the corner of his lips, as Ashley giggles.
His expression falters after a moment, causing her to tilt her head, curiously.
"I'm really sorry, Shelly," Awsten murmurs. "For everything. I've been so shitty lately and there's not even a good excuse for it," he sighs. "Telling Grace your business was wrong. I should've told you when I realised that it was a mistake. And I shouldn't have shouted at you, or got mad at Geoff, and I feel like I should've said all of this sooner, but I'm just—"
"Aws, it's okay," Ashley cuts him off, gently, taking a step closer to him again. "It's alright, calm down," she soothes him, easily, noticing the way he's getting worked up over his own guilt again. "It's really hard to stay mad at you," Ashley admits, looking down at their hands, as they hang dangerously close to each other.
Awsten moves first, reaching his index finger out and hooking it around Ashley's.
The contact causes her to let out a breath that she didn't know she'd been holding in.
She leans into his touch, the two of them then interlacing their fingers together.
"What do we do now?" Ashley questions, looking up at Awsten.
"I don't know," he answers, truthfully. "But, I think this should stay between us."
"Me too," she agrees. "I don't want things to change," Ashley voices her biggest fear, frowning slightly, and Awsten is glad that she's being so honest.
"Me neither," he accedes. "And it won't."
•••
