If Only

A Path To Our Own Forgiveness

"Jess, you're crazy. You gotta live a little-".

"I need to grow up" I cried.

Ben smiled, "You need to grow up".

"I don't know if I can do it".

"You shouldn't have to worry about Ava and Juli. None of us should worry about them. It's unfair any of us have to consider them".

"Where do they go if I go? Will you guys be there?".

Ben sighed, "Fuck, I Dunno. I'm sure we'll all be here for each other. They got Mac, they got Ty. I don't live at home anymore so... I'm sure they got them. If not we just ship them off to you".

I laughed a little.

"Life has been hard. Life has been really hard, been really hard for all of us. Dad died of cancer and that was really fucking hard. When mom left, you had to step up. We're all traumatized whether we like to admit it or not. We got the shit end of the stick, and we deserved better. You deserve better".

I tried to keep it together, but I couldn't.

"If you wanna go," Ben smiled, "Go".

I said nothing.

"Do it for us. Be an adult, explore the world. Experience the things you are supposed to expect before us. Ty is getting married before you as it stands. Fuck sakes Jess, you've never lived. You never had a childhood. You have never lived".

I looked up at him, "You think I should go?".

"You can always come back. You can always come see the kids, you can go to Ty's wedding, you can come to my art shows, you can come to Avas graduation, you can come to Juli's. You can come back".

"Ben-".

"Don't let us hold you back".

I took a deep breath, "Okay, okay I'll go".

"Good, it's not like you're never gonna see us again".

"Yeah".

"Go live your life Jess" Ben held out his left arm.

I went and hugged him gently, and he hugged me back. I decided in that moment I needed to go.

I needed to leave Detroit.

Ty

We made the kids dinner, then let them do their own things. Mac and Jess were there. It was a fun family dinner. We all laughed, we talked about the most random things.

Then we decided to make our way to the park.

Aaron wanted to walk there, so we walked there. He held my hand and it was pretty quiet.

"You know, mom was buried at the cemetery across the street from the park".

Aaron took a second, "Why bring that up?".

I shrugged, "I just remembered it. I've never been there. Cemetery's freak me out, but I'd like to go see my mom someday".